Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The New Arabian Peninsula

Cato Institute Wants to “Bring the World into Political Alignment”
-A Mel Toast World Exclusive-

In a confidential internal memo, The Cato Institute, a libertarian think tank* headquartered in Washington, D.C., which normally advocates for the principles of limited government, has recently come out in favor of a far-reaching American foreign policy program that includes the complete removal from power of the long-ruling Saudi regime. “In order to bring the world into better political alignment, these Wahabi troglodytes need to go,” stated Ryan Young, Cato’s Government Affairs Assistant. Below is an outline of their recommendations recently submitted in a policy brief to the Bush administration.

The New Arabian Peninsula

The method we outline below seeks to contain and eventually eliminate the only family regime in history to have actually named a country after itself.

Jordan and Egypt will take the entire west coast, including Jeddah and the Muslim shrines at Mecca and Medina. Jordan shall rule over Mecca, in a nod to the role of the grandfather of the present Jordanian King Abdullah II, who was the last Grand Sharif of Mecca. (Ibn Saud expelled Abdullah I in 1924, conquering the western Hejaz region and expelling the Hashemites.)

Yemen shall be allowed move north and annex the west coast north to the southern outskirts of Jeddah and Mecca, and east as far as they’d like to go into the forbidding desert region of the Rub al Khali.

Oman and the UAE can also expand their real estate west into the Rub al Khali as far as they care to go.

Kuwait will move south to at least Jubail and Bahrain can move west and south across the strait to claim the coveted oil and gas fields of the eastern province. This Arab Shiite population has suffered greatly under the Saudis, and should be a fairly cooperative group once they are reunited with their clans from Kuwait and Bahrain.

Qatar can move north and share in some of the spoils with Kuwait and Bahrain. But since Qatar is sitting on some massive gas reserves, perhaps more oil real estate should be allotted to Bahrain.

The Saudis will be allowed to keep Riyadh and a 50 square mile area to which they shall be confined. The Saudis have always been fond of bragging how, when the oil runs out, they will be quite able to return to the desert and survive on their camels, their goats, and a handful of dates.

Here, we shall give them their chance to prove it.


*The Cato Institute founded at Washington, D.C., by Los Angeles-born financial analyst Edward H. (Harrison) Crane, 3rd, 33, has $500,000 in financing from Wichita, Kansas-born oil company heir Charles de Gamahl Koch, 41, and initial ties to the Libertarian Party. A capital management executive, Crane will quickly distance the Institute from libertarianism and make it a right-wing "think tank" with positions similar to those of the Heritage Foundation founded 4 years ago. "I think Franklin Roosevelt was a lousy president," Crane will say. "What he did—which is to impose this great nanny state on America—was a great mistake." Backed by major banking, computer, oil, pharmaceutical, and tobacco interests, Cato will support opposition to environmental groups and favor privatization of Social Security while working to eliminate the departments of agriculture, commerce, education, energy, interior, and labor from the Cabinet.


Citizen Carrie said...

Is the Cato Institute really proposing this? Was Ryan Young really unprofessional enough to call them "Wahabi troglodytes?" If so, this would be the biggest change of borders in the Middle East since WWI.

2Truthy said...

We don't know! Rumor has it that good old "Misbehavin' Mel" pulled this imiginary scuttle (along with said map) straight out his patootie -- which might explain all of the unusual site visits recently from places like Jordan, Uganda, Dubai and a couple of countries I have never even heard of. Not to mention the Department of Foreign Relations, The Pentagon and the CIA.

Mellllllll? ring ring??????????

Patrick said...

Cato Institute? Silly me, that was supposed to be the the Kato Institute, named after Green Hornet's sidekick and not, as some have speculated, after O.J. Simpson's blond and bedimpled renter. The Kato Institute is, in fact, a think tank with libertarian proclivities as well. However, you wouldn't want to get into a bar fight over a discusion on judicial review with one of these guys. Sorry for the confusion . . .