Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Pepsi Cuts 3,300 Jobs, Chicago Loses 120

A Mel Toast Exclusive

Who knew that Pepsi couldn't hold a carbonated can to Coke?

Pepsi is
cutting 3,300 jobs, including 120 in Chicago where its Gatorade, Tropicana and Quaker Oats business units are headquartered, a move that is positioned to force those brainwashed, sweet sugar water refugees to defy brand loyalty and spill the beans about the rigged Pepsi Taste Test, once and for all admitting their preference was all in the pleasure center of their heads, after all. Unity on the Coke Side of Life prevails.

Just like politics, it doesn't take your own personal blind taste test to know what inspires brand loyalty, to fully actualize what team you're on. Or if you're even on a team, at all. Upon quitting a 4.5 liter-bottle a day habit of drinking Pepsi after watching that bloody
White Stripes Coke Commercial, I single-highhandedly proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Coke is the real man's beverage -- particularly Mexican Coke, which derives its sweet taste from sugar and not that culturally backward, offensive syrup. My results would even go so far as to preclude that the ratio of syrup to carbonated water (more than the local tap water or even saloon latrine water) alters the soda taste. Either way, Pepsi is for wussies and this recent layoff proves it.


Mel Toast


Citizen Carrie said...

Hmmh. I might have to rethink my strategy of buying a cola just based on the sales prices for the week.

2Truthy said...

Coke fan, here! Always was. Bottles, only. There's this great little Mexican grocer nearby in those cute smaller sized bottles. Great iced cold.

That White stripes Coke commercial is so Stepford Wivesy, and their Unity slogan is so One World...