Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Dunkin' Donuts Operator Loses Franchise In Pork Plight

FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY



Pigs Prevail at Chicago Dunkin’ Donuts

-Chicago Judge Upholds Separation of Church and Plate-


Hello Everybody, It’s me,


QUINCY.


There is breaking news today from the Windy City!


A Muslim Chicago-area Dunkin' Donuts shop had to give up its franchise rights after losing a long-running legal battle with the restaurant chain over religious objections to selling pork products, forcing the franchisee to remove all Dunkin' Donuts signs from the Westchester donut hut.  The company's lawsuit came two weeks after a federal jury found that the chain did not discriminate against him for failing to renew his franchise agreement because he refused to sell breakfast sandwiches with bacon, ham or sausage in them.


Dunkin' Donuts went to federal court in Chicago on March 27 to stop the suburban franchise from using the company's trademarks and other proprietary materials.


But why couldn’t the Muslim owner offer his patrons Fakn’ Bacon or Hamid’s Heavenly Faux-Ham instead?


In a stunning blow to my Pigs for Peace movement (that, so far, has yet to receive a celebrity endorsement from George Clooney), the judge said that just because the franchise owner’s Muslim religion said he couldn’t sell bacon, ham and sausage sandwiches, it was basically still no excuse for depriving Dunkin’ Donuts patrons from partaking in the other white meat. Well, that may be okay for the Judge and all the rest of Westchester’s corpulent community, but how about the rest of us Pigs in the minority without a voice in this important matter?
So I called up the Judge and said:

“Why, Judge, why didn’t you just tell him that if he only forked over a few extra dollars for some packages of Fak’n Bacon and Morningstar sausages, nobody under the age of 65 would have ever known the difference?”


The Judge, however, who might otherwise be dismissed as some kind of Vichy Dem, stood by his skewer on the ruling:


“Quincy, just between you and me, I’d rather eat boogers than most of that tofu crap out there masquerading as prime cuts from the Pig.” (Knowing of course, that my bacon has been spared since I’m thousands of miles away from Westchester, I had no quarrel, there.) “But the separation between Religion & Government in the Constitution of the United States goes back to James Madison who declared that “the practical distinction between Religion and Civil Government is essential to the purity of both, and as guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States” in the same way you separate your peas from mingling with the mashed potatoes on your plate, my landmark decision of Separation of Church and Plate stands. There will be no phony pork in my courtroom or any religious idolatry preventing Dunkin’ Donuts patrons from exercising their Constitutional rights to grab a ham sandwich in Westchester anytime soon...”


And then he hung up.


Anyway, I knew there was a reason I stayed out of those Dunkin’ Donuts chains but I do hear that the coffee is pretty gosh darn good and do you know what? I tried it and it IS!


Have a nice day, Everybody!


-QUINCY

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