Did you know that politics never completely eludes even the most joyous of festivity planning? Well, it doesn’t. So can you keep a secret?
OK. According to high ranking SFGPP ’08 officials, the whole reason I was tapped to head up the “Special Species Safety and Security Unit” (SSSSU) was based upon my previous mission to Baghdad where I uncovered the full-monty surrounding "Operation One-Eyed Trouser Snake" and the alleged “Gay Bomb” affair that had tongues and everything else wagging last year. Sources revealed a confidential State Department memo leaked to the Mayor’s office that read:
“If anyone has any of that Gay Bomb aphrodisiac left in their supersoakers, it’s QUINCY MULDOON. Find him.”
Last year, I also spotted what appeared to be Gavin Newsom and a high profile hotel manager holding hands in the swanky hotel’s elevator so that, too, could have prompted the call.
Anyway, everything’s going great so far and everybody is having a wonderful time!
Shortly after 9:30 am, I did manage to prevail over a little squirmish….While heading down Market Street before the parade started, I was propositioned by a suspicious looking minister who looked an awful lot like Mayor Gavin Newsom to receive interdenominational Holy Communion who insisted that I eat the Eucharist he kept waving around at me. After politely explaining that I never took candy from strangers, he said “oh, put a fork in it, Quincy. It’s not like it’s soaked in Ecstasy or cheap vermouth or anything.” Well, after hearing that, I immediately pulled out my SSSSU badge and firmly told him to “step away from the curb” which, thank God, he did. It was probably best that I skipped Communion since I prefer not to accept the wafer without a chilled glass of chablis (but that’s just me).
You should see all the smoke around here! My eyes are burning -- which is pretty bad, since I have enough trouble seeing even on the clearest days. Plus, the air smells like old cabbage and spicy ox tripe in chili sauce but that could just be downdraft wind blowing in from Chinatown, where I had an early lunch of steamed pullet at the infamous SUM TING WONG restaurant where our gracious host, Mr. Din, assured us that we would be in no immediate danger of attracting the opposite sex, the same sex or the same OR even different species to our otherwise “desirable” persons anytime soon. (Hmph. I wonder what he meant by that crack? I saw his cook leering at me from the double door plastic windows back in the kitchen after I excused myself to find the lavatory...Like my mother used to say, “one can never be too careful around big city restaurant chefs and smokehouses.”)
Anyway, after all the forest fire smoke wafting through Northern California, this place is starting to look like China after an uncontained seven-alarm fire at a Tianjin tire factory.
Oh, it’s so great to live in a city where everybody can be happy AND gay, too! I just love it here where even PIGS like me are treated equally. Almost.
There are so many festivities! I do hope I get a chance to meet Cyndi Lauper backstage and ask for her hairstylist’s phone number. Viva Cyndi! I’ve had a big crush on Cyndi ever since I heard “Time After Time” on Mr. Crisp’s boom box in Turks and Caicos. So guess what I did? I slipped a note into her assistant’s handbag to ask her to change the lyrics to “PIGS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN” and so, keep your fingers crossed. I can’t wait!
The lineup for tonight is so exciting. I’m going to have to take a nap now to preserve my energy. And do you know what my FAVORITE event is going to be? You guessed it: CHARO!
Happy San Francisco Gay Pride, everybody!