BAGHDAD, Iraq – Quincy, the savant journalist turned special war correspondent from North Carolina has been tapped by State Department officials over the weekend to root out the full story behind the so-called “Gay Bomb” and to confirm a report by a Berkeley watchdog organization that the Pentagon sought to build a bomb that could turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals.
The prohibition on eating pork played "a significant role" in Quincy’s decision to accept this stealth mission where members of a private security firm rushed to escort him into the Green Zone where he cheerfully added “I am walking around Baghdad wearing this goddamned burqa and am thinking about converting to Islam.”
According to intelligence reports, Quincy has uncovered that the bomb in question would deliver a payload of aphrodisiacs to unsuspecting enemy combatants, rendering them receptive “in more ways than one” to the American troops. Greeted by an “overenthusiastic” group of soldiers, Quincy revealed how the Pentagon’s plan known as “Operation One-Eyed Trouser Snake” went woefully awry.
Lt. Col Will Barrow, an Army munitions officer, told Quincy that he had received unofficial orders from General David Petraeus to detonate the bomb outside enemy barracks under windy conditions when it exploded prematurely, releasing a cloud of “puffy smoke” emitting a “distinct, pleasing nocturnal odor.”
But problems mounted when the local Sunni camels caught the downdraft scent and pursued, with a vengeance – the troops, capturing the General whose whereabouts are still undisclosed. The latest ambush has stirred up chaos and forced the American troops into hiding.
“If there was ever a good time to pull out of Iraq, it would be RIGHT NOW”, exclaimed Quincy.
U.S. military engineers, using bulldozers and other heavy equipment, are reportedly taking several hours to clear the highway to the barracks, which was partially blocked by debris from the camel stampede.