Friday, March 31, 2006

It's All Water Under the Bridge By Now, But...

Dear Stephen,

I caught your orthogonal interview with Michael Brown where you, at the end, absolved the ex-FEMA chief of responsibility for opening up the flood gates of hell on our predominately poor, African American brothers and sisters of New Orleans. It rocked! You got Brownie to reveal the truth about many things! After the interview, I even drove down to this dark Tenderloin district bar in San Francisco and bought a whole round of watermellon shooters for the patrons there! Anyway, my favorite part was when you showed a picture of yourself posing with a black person and then Brownie admitted to liking black people, too!

When you asked him if he had any help from his friends or cronies in landing the job at FEMA -- even when he was a horse lawyer before that -- I thought you might have asked him if he liked horses better than African Americans. Anyway, you did get him to admit the Katrina disaster was "one giant mess."

Also, Brownie said that he had some jobs in the government even BEFORE he was the horse lawyer and THEN he went on to point the finger at the other Michael (Chertoff), chief of Homeland security, for the hurricane disaster. You might have asked him if he thought a good workman never blamed his tools!

Finally, all of the excitement over the eagle stork and little Stephen combined with the artificial ejaculation hormones may have caused you to go a little easy on the ex-FEMA director. We look forward to many more interviews where you emit the truth from your unsuspecting victims, like Brownie!

Most Truly Yours,


Where Will I Be Spending Easter?

Dear 2Truthy,

Can you or anyone tell me where I will be spending Easter? Hopefully NOT with George Clooney. I just got a call from Finchville Farms and they said that some lady named Arianna wants me to visit him. If you hear anything, let me know.

Your friend,


Dear Quincy,

Nice to hear from you. The last I heard, Arianna was supposed to think about sending "a ham" -- not you -- to George Clooney to make amends for her boo-boo about George's non-existent post to the BuffPo. I would strongly suggest that you refrain from returning any phone calls to Finchville Farms, but if they keep calling, you may wish to refer the matter to my pals over at the Smoking Gun ( -- make sure to ask for "Mr. Bastone". This is precisely the kind of situation they thrive on handling.

Good Luck Quincy!


Monday, March 27, 2006

Stephen Colbert to Harpoon ex-FEMA director

And the WORD is: FAME (rearranged letters spell FEMA). It looks like Michael Brown, former disgraced FEMA chief, is getting plenty of it these days, for "poor performance" as he sat up to his proverbial ass in alligators while Hurricane Katrina pummeled the Gulf Coast. Now it is time for him to move on, and what better way to proclaim his innocence and stage a comeback but to fess up to the Father of Truthiness? Oh, Father of Truthiness, we pray that you will find the strength to make the heavens and your stage manager shower buckets of waste water down on Brown as he is seated in your hallowed guest chair... (this might be more up South Park's alley...)

One can only imagine what fun Stephen Colbert will have exploring rumors of the ex-FEMA director's incompetence. Will Colbert sport scuba gear and a harpoon to lampoon Brown? As Stephen runs out on the set to meet his seated guest with the American flag displayed in the background, will we have no choice but to laugh at the disastrous mess that Brown, current and future government employees of the American corporate sell-out machine have left us with? Check your local listings, spacefans, and be sure to toast a few marshmallows by the fire while Colbert takes his truthiest best shot.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Valley of the Sycophants (Letter to David Sirota)


from "The Roses Are Red Diaries" by 2Truthy

somewhere in between the poems
lie the bodies of the gnomes
left to trade their wishful end
for a life they couldn't spend

on the things, the stuff, that wasted
time and money as they chased it
the American dream became a whisper
as the sycophants swarmed the blister

wider than the once grand canyon
faster ran the golden stallion
through the prairies, then the towns
technorati donning evening gowns

steely knives would halt the lances
of their greedy, fatal glances
orchid-colored skies swept past
life's easel - but it couldn't last.

one more day a job was lost
then another wound embossed
upon the Valley without chance...
Valley of the Sycophants.


Dear David Sirota,

In reference to today's article published in the Philadelphia Daily News, "Workers on the Slag Heap of History",
let's talk about the "dying class" -- the educated, once "upwardly mobile" middle class, urban/suburban population being outsourced to poverty.

The "Slag Heap" is not only rampant in Anytown. It is happening right here -- in Silicon Valley, or "Sycophant Valley"(tm 2Truthy), a place where innovation and "top notch" talent was once the mainstay. Right here, there are scores of people out of work as the "leaders"-- our very own neighbors -- of technology corporations and start-ups recirculate dollars within their mutual admiration societies by outsourcing just about everything to India, thus compromising quality and displacing their own neighbors.

What no one is talking about is the prevailing shadenfreud, envy and mean spirit. Did you happen to catch the Bill Moyers interview with Clyde Prestowitz? As the global economy grows, a distinct form of greed spreads like a disease as the educated, wealthier "haves" trample over the educated "lesser haves", thus throwing them into the "have not" ditch -- since there is no longer a middle class ditch for them to wind up in. Scores of once "upwardly mobile" people with advanced degrees swarm the emergency rooms here without health insurance, forced into bankruptcy with no place to go, and cannot find work in even menial labor pools as increasing numbers of illegal Mexicans and Indians have sewn up the bottom end. You see, we are a "unique" community here in Silicon Valley and have witnessed many flights of sycophancy that should not, nor need not occur. Is this our future? What about our teenagers who are leaving for college and their prospects?

They have a saying in Texas: "It's time to let the horses out of the barn". So the question becomes which 2008 Democratic presidential candidate, if any, can we put our money on to enact labor policies at the local level which reverse this plundering and prevent the exodus of our needed jobs? There, I said it. the "P" word.

As you state in your article printed in the Philadelphia Daily News, "These reverse Robin Hood tactics are everywhere. At both Delphi and United Airlines, executives have used bankruptcy to enact massive cuts in wages and pensions - while cementing millions of dollars worth of new bonuses for themselves." You zero in on the problem at the Top and at the Bottom -- but what about the Middle?

Most Truly Yours,


Arianna Implored to Send Clooney a Ham

Hi Arianna and BUFFingtonPost Team,

Not to beat a dead mammal, but my readers are wondering if there has been a clear-cut, undisputed reconciliation yet with George Clooney.

May I suggest sending the Oscar winner a Kentucky country ham (most appropriate given his Lexington, KY roots) with a handwritten note asking his forgiveness? For your convenience and that of your staff, I have included a link below.

As you know, Easter is right around the corner and from what I understand, George has a pet pig (or had one) and could consider the gesture a fine olive branch on your part!

Thank you for your consideration in executing my suggestion as we believe that it is in the best interest for all of your dedicated BuffPo readers to see that this little pig-in-a-blanket is put to bed.

Most Truly Yours,


Tuesday, March 21, 2006

What's For Dinner?

Hannibal Lecter, world renown celebrity chef, is now available to prepare high protein, low-fat, exotic
meals in the comfort of your very own
home. Let Hannibal rattle every taste
sensastion in your body with such fresh and exclusive sushi-style, mouth-watering ingredients available to you from Asia. "Having Hannibal in my kitchen allowed me to stay later at my pilates class while he prepared my husband a gourmet meal before his flight to Kyoto -- I can't wait to hear about it! Thanks, Hannibal!" -Susan Bagsby, widow
Emm, Emm, GOOD!

Monday, March 20, 2006

Clooney Misrepresented by Arianna Huffington

George Clooney Misrepresented

Last week, The Huffington Post featured a blog submission purportedly written by the talented Oscar award winner and film director, George Clooney. It wasn't. As the stunned George Clooney later stated in a news conference, he shares the sentiments of the content of the blog and admitted to making some of the statements printed which proclaimed his liberal views. Specifically, Clooney did not actually write the blog, citing that he "did not know how a blog worked."

The Public Domain is a strange beast. Although George admitted to sharing the printed views and statements, Ms. Huffington, or make that Ms. BUFFington (Arianna has had some work?) as reported in the LA Times (3/16/06) by Elizabeth Snead, stated that approval came from Clooney's publicist, Stan Rosenfield, to "use his words in a blog" to run in the Huffington Post.

Well George, you did the right thing by zeroing in on the TRUTH and by pointing out that you simply just did not write the damn thing -- however much it preached to the choir! You must be an Irish Catholic and not a Protestant or a Scientologist. I am with you in solidarity on this one, George!!! If I were in Hollywood, I would haven taken you out for a corned beef and cabbage bash and toasted a green one to you! In fact, You have just earned a spot on 2Truthy's Official "You're Invited To My Party List"--
ABOVE Arianna!

Most Truly Yours,


P.S. I sincerely do not believe Arianna meant to show any inconsideration over the blog incident. She has since removed it.


Dear Mr. Bastone and the Rest of the Smoking Gun Editorial Team,

Thank you for your revealing article today about that guy in Ohio who wears a dress and a wig to libraries and then performs indecent acts upon himself (better him than the janitor...) In particular, I really loved the part where the Smoking Gun describes the perpetrator having "the bracelets slapped on him"...he must have LOVED that! Did he see Transamerica, I wonder? What is the world coming to?

My readers are however, curious to know if he is going to serve any hard time for this outrageous offense, since many of them are parents with children who frequent libraries, unarmed and without squirtguns, who could potentially mistake him for the librarian. Should he for some reason get off with a slap on the wrist or worse -- escape from Federal prison and potentially terrorize unarmed, unsuspecting kids and their nannies, will you keep us here on the Left Coast posted?

Most Truly Yours,

Los Altos, CA

P.S. Just one more thing: I lifted a couple of pictures of the perp (above) and stuck them both on my blogspot (so my readers can be on the look out). Can you sue me for that? Please let me know. Thanks again,

Friday, March 17, 2006


from "The Roses Are Red Diaries"
by 2Truthy

Roses Are Red
On St. Patrick's Day
I Dye Them All Green
And Give Them Away

To Friends With an Accent
Oh, Irish for One or
Another Who's Polish
Like Pat, Just for Fun

But When We All Gather
For Corned Beef and Cabbage
With Noses Pinched Tightly
We'll Toast Charlie Babbage

To Whom We Are Grateful
For A Model Invention
A Kind of Computer
That Luddites Don't Mention

Yet With It/Without It
Should We Be In Awe
Is The Modern Computer
The Best Thing We

Ah Yes, Back To Cabbage --
And Old Charlie Babbage
For Without Chuck I trust
This Poem Is A Bust!

If We Make it Alive
With This Shuck and Jive
And The Green Beer Starts Flowing
Then This We'll Be Knowing

On St. Paddie's Day
While Your Heart's Are All Gay---
And the Emerald Isle Glows
Singing Magical Prose

And Others Around You
That Mean Something Dear
And The One's Who Have Left
Who You Still Wish Were Here...

T'is A Cyberspace Jingle
And A Best Thought Or Two
For The Luck O' The Irish
To Find And Keep You!!!

Thursday, March 16, 2006



Man Hits His Own Car Then Sues Himself 

We don't make this stuff up. When a Central Valley, CA dump truck driver backed into a car, he decided to sue the city for damages. Only thing is, he was the one driving the dump truck. But that minor detail didn't stop him, a California city employee, from filing a $3,600 claim for the December accident, even after admitting the crash was his fault. Read more here.


Sunday, March 12, 2006

"You're Invited To My Party" List

2Truthy's Official "You're Invited To My Party" List
  1. louie
  2. maryscott o'connor
  3. jersey cynic and blondesense liz
  4. kathy griffin
  5. citizen carrie
  6. mark roberts
  7. paul hipp
  8. sheryl
  9. that guy who plays House on "House" - Hugh Laurie
  10. stephen colbert
  11. melanie
  12. arianna huffington (maybe)
  13. alice
  14. david sirota (on probation for crossing over to the dark side)
  15. rick
  16. kate
  17. bobbin and len AND porter
  18. james spader
  19. brian
  20. alec baldwin (no kool-aid will be served to alec)
  21. barbara
  22. ellen
  23. dave
  24. al franken
  25. anna
  26. susan sarandon and tim robbins
  27. james woods
  28. dad
  29. jim carrey
  30. aunt patsy
  31. kathy griffin
  32. andy
  33. mick jagger
  34. george clooney (on probation 11/7/06 for voting for the Gropinator)
  35. mimi
  36. agnes
  37. phil angelides, family, and '06 staff
  38. gladys knight
  39. les and rene
  40. robin williams
  41. jon stewart
  42. christopher guest (leave home jamie lee curtis because she likes Arnold)
  43. sandy
  44. linda ronstadt
  45. pat (probation lifted 3/15/06 with less than satisfactory outcome...back in the hole 8/15/06; out of the hole 1/15/07)
  46. owen wilson
  47. carol g.
  48. aunt margaret
  49. steven wright
  50. the entire cast and crew of now defunct 'Arrested Development'
  51. janet and dave
  52. ellen degeneres and portia
  53. steve and lucy
  54. jon stewart
  55. weasely
  56. terry
  57. julianne
  58. matt dillon
  59. roseanne cash
  60. steve
  61. eddie murphy
  62. uncle greg
  63. bob weir
  64. cousin dan
  65. mary
  66. bill clinton
  67. katherine
  68. warren beatty
  69. annette bening
  70. debra
  71. stephanie
  72. martin short
  73. mr. riggs
  74. kathy veder
  75. jerry seinfeld
  76. barbara
  77. nancy
  78. ted kennedy
  79. pam
  80. maura
  81. johnny
  82. terry f.
  83. jan and brad
  84. ruthie
  85. cousin sally
  86. peter f.
  87. mary matalin (only if she brings Carville and only if the two of them stop pandering to the corporate welfare machine(...I hear crickets chirping...)
  88. paul
  89. bobby
  90. jack nicholson
  91. carol
  92. rosemary
  93. diane keaton
  94. steve martin
  95. shannon
  96. cathy
  97. wendy
  98. paula poundstone
  99. "sense of humor" chuck
  100. lou reed
  101. nate
  102. ira ruskin
  103. bob dylan
  104. larry david
  105. marcia ball
  106. liz
  107. margaret k.
  108. john edwards and his lovely wife, elizabeth
  109. celtic woman singers
  110. joaquin phoenix
  111. dan brown
  112. mr. terry
  113. shawn
  114. henry
  115. oprah

My Dad, The Raven

t'was a dark stormy night
the rain no end in sight
a serendipitous mood
while he read to his brood

snuggled up on the chair
each one listening with care
for their daddy's voice going
to tales Edgar (Allen) "Poeing"

a knock-knock and a wrapping
they waited for tapping
then scared sounds delighted
while Michael was frighted

yet the older ones knew
that the tales were not true --
but were they or not ---
the kids never forgot

his lyrical voice did the vision rejoice
the soul coming 'round to
the place that he found
peaceful, profound

Always the poet but the
last one to show it
that he shunned the Great Stage
for the sage with the page

That haunted, dark space --
with infinity times laughter
and knowing his love
lives on ever-after.

Cowboys and Smashed Pancakes

In 1982, Brian and Rick travelled to San Francisco together on business and shared a hotel room together. After the end of a long day, they retired to their individual beds for the night. Almost asleep, Rick recounts Brian's last words of the evening: " You know, there could be an earthquake right now and this ceiling could fall down on us and smash us like a couple of pancakes."
Picnic, Lightning

It is possible to be struck by a meteor or a single-engine plane while reading in a chair at home. Pedestrians are flattened by safes falling from rooftops mostly within the panels of the comics, but still, we know it is possible, as well as the flash of summer lightning, the thermos toppling over, spilling out on the grass.

And we know the message can be delivered from within. The heart, no valentine, decides to quit after lunch, the power shut off like a switch, or a tiny dark ship is unmoored into the flow of the body's rivers, the brain a monastery, defenseless on the shore.

This is what I think about when I shovel compost into a wheelbarrow, and when I fill the long flower boxes, then press into rows the limp roots of red impatiens—the instant hand of Death always ready to burst forth from the sleeve of his voluminous cloak. Then the soil is full of marvels, bits of leaf like flakes off a fresco, red-brown pine needles, a beetle quick to burrow back under the loam.

Then the wheelbarrow is a wilder blue, the clouds a brighter white, and all I hear is the rasp of the steel edge against a round stone, the small plants singing with lifted faces, and the click of the sundial as one hour sweeps into the next.

—Billy Collins, from Picnic, Lightning, University of Pittsburgh Press (March 1998)

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Getting Under The Hood

is there anything there?

Is the computer the great equalizer
that leaves nothing behind
in front or in back of
a truly great mind

Or is it a channel
a "laugh track" of sorts
that makes us all roll
in the aisle with great snorts

When one reads someone's blog
is it with care or prying
if they might somehow prosper
by stealing or spying

A great idea or two
or someone's awful writing
would leave the soul hungry
for others' delighting

In revelry Or comradery
a notion of TRUTH
is a ray of sweet sunshine
at life's candy booth

Wednesday, March 8, 2006


...which made it thoroughly amusing (in particular, that hilarious, quick launch into L.A.'s moral deficiency). It was a refreshing departure from the same old safe, sycophant-style, church-like Oscar host content we are typically subjected to. A true comedian, who's name is Jon Stewart, happened to subtly skunk out the garden party over at the Kodak Theatre's 78th Academy Awards shin-dig. I loved it.

As for that now oft quoted observation about Stewart's "nervousness", isn't that a key ingredient to his intelligent comic appeal? To me, he came across like he always does on his show: smart, witty, quick to ad-lib, and irreverent. Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg were, to be sure, mediocre hosts that distinctively personify the "we're in the club and you wish you were" zeitgeist that "outsiders" like Joe Six-Pack and I find a little irritating. At its very worst, Stewart's performance might have been a little like putting a Rabbi -- let's make that a GAY Jewish, Female Rabbi --- in the pulpit at a Catholic Mass. What could possibly be more sacred than a little misplaced irreverence?


Friday, March 3, 2006


"Don’t try to understand em', Just rope, throw and brand em', Soon we’ll be living high and wide...My heart’s calculating My true love will be waiting Be waiting at the end of my ride." Rawhide

2Truthy's Best Actor/Actress 2006 Oscar Picks
Best Actress: Felicity Huffman (right)(TRANSAMERICA). I know she bears a striking resemblance to Dustin Hoffman's 1982 memorable Oscar nominated performance as a cross-dresser in TOOTSIE but when is the next time we will be treated to a transsexual crossing the country on a road trip with her troubled teenage son? It's finally time for The Academy to start showing a little appreciation for the talent, creativity, guts and balls these guys/gals or whatever have to spread a little insight and truthiness to the cinematic masses (Or is it Filliam Muffman, as Stephen Colbert would say?)
Best Actor: Joaquin Phoenix (above left) (WALK THE LINE). This guy did Johnny proud. Amazing performance. With this performance, Joaquin has made it to 2Truthy's "You're Invited to My Party List", you betcha. Plus, he actually did his own singing good enough to shake the clay off the Man in Black.