Dust Off Your Benjamins
Washington – Put THIS in your crackpipe and smoke it...The long-arm of America's brilliant and ingenious War on Drugs has succeeded in importing the dreaded Bolivian marching powder to a wallet near you. Talk about blowback...
That's right. Your own wallet is now officially a prime candidate for rehab, according to a shocking new scientific study that reveals 90 percent of U.S. money is laced with cocaine! The study reveals that traces of cocaine taint “up to 90 percent of paper money in the United States” and lists the top offenders below.
The scientists determined that larger cities like Baltimore, Boston, and Detroit had among the highest average cocaine levels. But guess which city topped the list? You guessed it – Washington, D.C.!
Our nation's capital ranked above the average, where 95 percent of the banknotes sampled were “contaminated with the drug.” No surprise here! Leave it to our venerable cartel of the real thing - this calliope of clowns (public servants) in D.C. to taint and horde all the Benjamins! (Could this explain why the Democrats can't hammer out a Single Payer healthcare bill?)
Don't worry. If you fear your own wallet may be at risk, you can always count on the Mormons to provide shelter from these godless sodomites spreading the sniff around: the study found the lowest average cocaine levels in U.S. currency appeared on bills collected from Salt Lake City. The reserachers did find, however, unusually high traces of powdered sugar and prozac on the Salt Lake City bills, which initially confounded their results.