Monday, May 11, 2009

Leave Oprah Alone: A Mel Toast Exclusive

A Mel Toast Exclusive

Leave Oprah Alone!

Chicago, IL - By now you’ve all heard about the KFC/Oprah free-chicken-dinner-with-a-coupon-flap, as Big Chicken plucks and feathers America’s favorite talk show diva. What’s all the clucking about? Ms. Winfrey dared to help feed struggling people in this down economy by publicly promoting a giveaway of KFC chicken dinners to anyone who could download a coupon from the internet all across the country. Natural News offers this account:

“KFC suppliers cram birds into huge waste-filled factories, breed and drug them to grow so large that they can't even walk, and often break their wings and legs. At slaughter, the birds' throats are slit and they are dropped into tanks of scalding-hot water -- often while they are still conscious. It would be illegal for KFC to abuse dogs, cats, pigs, or cows in these ways.KFC's own animal welfare advisors have asked the company to take steps to eliminate these abuses, but KFC refuses to do so. Many advisors have now resigned in frustration.”

You know, the above description of these chickens bears a striking resemblance to at least a few inbred, large and drugged copywriter’s I know who are crammed like birds into our waste-filled cubicles where we are sequestered to the basement level, albeit with elevator access given the lousy shape of our legs -- which might explain why the brass encourages us to forego the stairs and use the company Segway for McD.’s lunch junkets…

Why is Oprah taking heat for trying to help the poor and needy? Can't they cop a free chicken dinner? Her's is the rare rags to riches story that personifies everything that this country used to stand for, before it started roasting its own. If there is one woman in our media’s 24/7 celebrity fishbowl who could use her much-earned pulpit to rally progress for American citizens, it is Oprah. What is her secret for getting overpaid movie stars to jump on her couch?

Throughout her life, this exceptional woman has pulled herself up by the bootstraps and courageously jumped through life’s rings of fire, the sort that would melt many amongst us (even if she does live mostly in Santa Barbara). The KFC coupon squawking is nothing but a witch hunt in a hen house, a stalking rooster to conceal the shortage of disabused poultry, you know, the relatively few by comparison, organic, free range regalia…which wouldn’t turn a profit for the Titans of Big Foul.

Don’t flame Ms. Winfrey while Big Chicken goes unscathed. She tried to help poor people eat. And for all the speculation as to why she would find herself in this pickle, don't worry. The woman is a marketing and promotional genius, who understands how to deploy her gift of media prowess to usher in positive, progressive change through the backdoor. Even if it does raise the cost of a KFC Grilled Chicken Meal.

To follow this story, tweet Oprah here.


Mel Toast

No comments: