Once upon an airport dreary, while I sat there, old and leery, Through a quaint and spurious peering - peering through the bathroom door,
While I nodded, clearly crapping, suddenly I started tapping, Just like some old geezer rapping, rapping at his chamber door.`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at your chamber door -Only this, and nothing more.'
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in that airport shitter, And each separate writhing member wrought its gaydar to the floor.Eagerly I formed my widestance - vainly I had sought to distanceFrom my briefcase on the commode – the commode behind my bathroom door.
For the rare and radiant copper whom the angels named – “Dumbledore!” Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken glad loud certain flushing sound from each stall door Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -This it is, and nothing more.
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore; My defense, said I, “I wasn’t tapping”, how do you know I wasn’t crapping? And so quickly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, Doubting, dreaming mortal means ever dared to dream before But the silence was unbroken, I believed the copper wasn’t jokin’,And the only word there spoken was the whispered words, “Dumbledore”,This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the words, “Dumbledore”-Merely this and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,Soon again I started tapping somewhat louder than before.`Surely,' thought I, `surely that is something at my loafer’s lattice;Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery through the door-Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -'Tis the shoe and nothing more!'
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,In there stepped a hunky copper equipped I hoped with lots of butter.Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;But, with mien of some Headmaster perched above my chamber door -Perched upon a bust of Phallus just above my chamber door -Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this hot copper beguiling my big fancy into smiling,By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,`Though thy crest be quite a whopper, thou,' I said, `art surely a copper. Ghastly grim and youthful copper, wandering around my bathroom door-Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Stall’s Plutonian shore!' Quoth the copper, `Nevermore.'
Much I marvelled this ungainly fuzz to hear discourse so plainly, Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore; For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being Ever yet was blessed with seeing buff cops above his chamber door -Cops or beasts above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,With such name as `Nevermore.'
But the copper, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only, That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour. Nothing further then he uttered - not Miranda Rights that he sputtered -Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have blown before -On the grand stand those charges shan’t dog me, as I have blown before.'Then the cop said, `Nevermore.'
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store, Caught likes some old gay Headmaster whom unmerciful disasterFollowed fast and followed faster till his sting one burden bore -Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore Of "Never-nevermore."'
But the copper still beguiling all my bad soul into smiling, Straight I wheeled a toilet seat in front of cop and bust and door; Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous cop of yore -What this trim, unportly, buff, and ominous cop of yoreMeant in croaking `Nevermore.'
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing To the cop whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core; This and more I sat divining, with my head and ass reclining On the toilet’s velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er, But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er, He shall press, ah, nevermore!
Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the filthy floor.`Wretch,' I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent theeRespite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of “Dumbledore!”,Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost “Dumbledore”-Quoth the copper, `Nevermore.'
“Oh Shit!”' said I, `thing of evil! – “Oh Shit! You little copper devil!” -Whether ensnarement, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore, Desolate yet all undaunted, in this airport stall enchanted -From this stall by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore! 'Quoth the copper, `Nevermore.'
`Oh Shit! ' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if cop or devil! Be that Halloween bends over for us - by that God we both adore -Tell this soul with unfair trapping, within the distant Free Speech wiretapping,It shall clasp a demented judge whom the angels named “Dumbledore!”Clasp a rare and radiant Justice whom the angels named “Dumbledore”? Quoth the copper, `Nevermore.'
`Be that word our sign of parting, cop or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting -`Get thee back into the bathroom, behind the Stall’s Plutonian door!Leave no copped plea as a token of that lie thy hand hath spoken!Leave my slovenliness unbroken! - quit this bust above my door!Hear my tapping as a fart and take thy bust from off my door!'Quoth the copper, `Nevermore.'
And the copper, never flitting, still is sitting, while I’m shitting, On the pallid bust of Phallus just above my chamber door; And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming, And the lamp-light o'er him peering through the small crack in the door; And my foot from out that stall space that lies floating on the floorShall be lifted - nevermore!