Winning the War on Pork
Leeds, England. Culinary critic and internationally acclaimed Pigs Rights champion, Quincy, stopped in England over the weekend on his way back from reporting on the Gay Vatican scandal.
“I’ve always enjoyed England in the fall”, noted Quincy, adding “I especially like riding around London with the smell of all that diesel fuel. Did you know that biodiesel smells like french fries?”
Reporting live from Leeds, Quincy, clad in a form fitting burqa, confirms that two hundred outraged Muslim inmates at a prison in England were forced to eat ham sandwiches during Ramadan for dinner. The menu items were apparently disguised as “cheese sandwiches” but actually contained boiled ham – something that should “never, ever, EVER” happen to anyone during Ramadan or “anywhere else”, according to Quincy, explaining
“It’s not just about ‘boiling’ ham. This most egregious rights violation signals an international disturbing trend. Not only is it a human rights violation to serve Muslims ham sandwiches at Ramadan, but this unsavory event is a global Pigs Rights issue of the highest order and must be stopped if Pigs are to achieve the same parity and equal rights as everybody else – from Muslim inmates, Monty Haulers and limo drivers, this is an issue that affects us all worldwide.”
Unsatisfied with the Prison’s official yet “feeble and flimsy” excuse of a menu printing error, Quincy grilled the Warden:
“Must we all be Meat Shields? Who needs a ham sandwich when we can have a Sara Lee cheesecake?
In retaliation for the menu offense, the Muslim prisoners are now demanding ten thousand pounds each in compensation, which Quincy describes as
“There is no price one can put on a pound of flesh.. As long as it’s not ten thousand pounds of ham or the OTHER white meat, it’s OK with me.”
What will the outcome be in the War on Pork? Quincy concludes
“Whole worlds of choices lie before us and yet, we as a global society continue to fall prey to the unseemly appetites of Muslim prisoners and Nation Cruise chefs when we could instead rise above the fray. After all, life is more than a forced dietary menu consisting of ham. What we all need to do right now is remove any traces of ham from our diets once and for all. Veto the pork!”