Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Super Tuesday Voter Guide for Democrats

Democrats Super Tuesday Voting Guide
(Photo Special Thanks to Douglas A. Sonders / WireImage; Splash News Online)

Jack Nicholson Endorses Hillary Clinton

If the dean of the nuthouse in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest says it’s cool to vote for Nurse Ratched, then so be it…

Basically, if you are a white woman or a white man and you vote for the very first woman candidate ever, Hillary, that implicitly makes you a racist since you didn’t vote for the very first black candidate ever, Obama. Never before in our voting history, has the white voter been faced with the white man’s burden of having to decide whether to cast a feminist, racist, misogynist, or elitist (or some combination of all them) vote in the history of these United States. The question becomes “what happens if white people don’t vote for the first black president?”

Such diverse choices also strain black voters equally in the struggle between choosing the right Democratic candidate and being able to answer “what happens if I don’t vote for the first woman president?” with a clean conscience.

Decisions, decisions! Below is a handy cheat-sheet to help clarify all of the confusing and complicated terminology that you can take to the polls.

Go ahead. Copy it. Memorize it. Just remember, do the right thing.


If you are a NON-BLACK FEMINIST, vote for Hillary unless you are an ANTI-RACIST, then vote for Obama.

If you are a BLACK FEMINIST and a RACIST, vote for Obama.

If you are a BLACK FEMINIST and a NON-RACIST, then vote for Hillary OR Obama.

If you are of diverse sexual orientation and/or fall into the following categories: transsexual, gay, lesbian or bi-sexual, go ahead and vote for any one of the two because you’re still gonna get reamed along with everybody else (except if you are an ELITIST) anyway and your vote doesn’t mean shit.


If you are a NON-BLACK RACIST, you better not vote for Obama but instead, vote for Hillary unless you are a FEMINIST.

If you are a BLACK RACIST, you will want to vote for Obama.


This one’s easy: If you hate the opposite sex, that is, I guess, what this means. So if you are a FEMALE, then your choices will be limited to Obama and vice-versa for Hillary, should you be a MALE.


This one is like being a SEXIST only cubed: If you are a NON-BLACK MALE MISOGYNIST (a white dude) and absolutely hate FEMALES and you vote for Hillary, you are sorely confused and need to head over to the Obama station unless you are a RACIST.

If you are a BLACK MALE MISOGYNIST, Obama is your man, baby!

If you are a NON-BLACK FEMALE MISOGYNIST (white chick) then, (and note that this category is reserved for the totally deranged) -- you will probably want to vote for Obama since you have no other choice, bitch! (Ditto for BLACK FEMALE MISOGYNIST.)


If you have less than one car on your front lawn, a six-figure income, 401 K, at least an eight figure portfolio, a three car garage with and own at least three late model vehicles, a 5,000 (min.) sq. ft. home with detached guest house, health insurance, a timeshare in either Hawaii or Whistler, a boss you can blackmail AND still have your own teeth, you are probably an ELITIST and can throw a coin (heads) Hillary and (tails) Obama on who to vote for and it won’t make any fucking difference.

Happy voting!



Anonymous said...

What made me vote for Obama today is his position on Iraq versus Clinton's (who voted for it.)I just think Obama will get us out of Iraq sooner and that he believes in strength through peace.Being male had nothing to do with it or did being black,I did have to laugh at your voter guide.

2Truthy said...

anon, My Irish Catholic parents voted for JFK despite the fact that they were
otherwise staunch Republicans, so I understand the the emotional push to go with a candidate whom one identifies with. Iraq? I doubt either one of them knows what the hell they'll really do on that one once they got into office.