-A Mel Toast Exclusive Onion Relay Report from the Nether Regions-
20,000 Tons of Pubic Hair Trimmed in Preparation for Valentine's Day
-What Will YOU Be Doing?-
Sao Paolo – Pubes may not be for lovers, as this buzz from the Onion plumbs the depths of pubic region trimming, “a ritual as old as time itself” just in time for Valentine's Day said to yield a record breaking 20,000 tons of pubic hair.
While most lovers agree that parting with the nubs is preferable, when it comes to mandating a specific holiday to roll out the razors for the indulgence, not all share the same view:
"If I trim the shrubs, the tree looks bigger," said Jeremy Wertz of Boise, ID, standing in front of his hall mirror with a pair of scissors taken from his employer's supply closet. "See? Worth the itching, if you ask me."
But Marcus Shannon of Denver begs to differ:
"I'm not going to let corporate America dictate the date or time at which I choose to groom my genitals," "invented by the razor industry" to sell grooming devices. "If you really love somebody, you should shave your pubes year-round."
Me? I'll stick with the roses, cheap liquor and sappy Hallmark card.