Saturday, October 21, 2006

"Why Daddy Is A Republican" by 2Truthy

Children's books are a delight to read and have a special way of enlightening even the most jaded. Now comes the Spoon to "Why Mommy Is A Democrat" by Jeremy Zilber

Here is an excerpt of 2Truthy's latest oeuvre, "Why Daddy Is A Republican"...

Buffy: "Daddy, what is a Republican?"

Republican Daddy: "Well now, Buffy, the most important thing to remember about Republicans is that a Republican is somebody who knows how to make people know how important they are. Remember last Spring when Mommy got kicked out of the PTA because she refused to stop parking in the Principal's parking space during all those PTA meetings?"

Buffy: "Oh yes Daddy, I do remember. Mommy said she had to park in the Principal's space since the Hummer was too hard to park in the littler spaces. And then she said some bad words.."

R. Daddy: "Yes indeed, she did. What she said to the Principal, and I quote, was "You can take your brand spanking new shiny red Prius and shove it up your big, fat ass because not only am I a Platinum donor to this school but my husband is Chairman of the Board of the law firm 'Dubious & Shark' so as far as I am concerned, I OWN the motherf****** space!" Now honey, after that little verbal exchange, Mommy continues to park in the Principal's space to this very day without one single reprimand from the Principal -- NOT ONE!!"

Buffy: "Oh Daddy, my favorite part of the story is when Mommy told the Principal about your job! I felt so proud that she made sure to mention you, too, Daddy!"

R.Daddy: (warmly smiling) "Your Mommy is a quite a pistol, yes siree. Remind me to tell you about the time when Mommy gave Chip Thurston's Ferrari a jump start when Daddy was away in Orlando last month for a financial accounting seminar."

Buffy: "Daddy, what is a financial accounting seminar?"

R. Daddy: "Oh that's just where you learn how to instruct your CFO to make it look like you have a big pile of money, even when you don't! It is like when you and Peyton play "make believe" or when you help Mommy bake cookies. Close your eyes for a moment and imagine that money is nothing but cookie dough -- sometimes you make it, and sometimes you don't.

Now, imagine that you and Mommy take out the KitchenAid but then discover that there are not enough ingredients in the pantry for cookie dough. What do you do? Well, you have two choices: you can make the cookies out of different ingredients, like say, cornflakes and salt -- which would of course make very, very icky cookies which you would of course never have to really eat -- OR -- you could just sack the whole idea and make the cookies some other day after Mommy goes shopping to get all of the right ingredients. So you see, at Daddy's financial seminars, we all get to learn ways to sort of make believe that we have lots and lots of money that will make us a nice, big, delicious pantry full of vanilla shortbread cookies with enough to go around for five hundred years just for you, Mommy and me!"

Buffy: "Ohhh, that's why Mommy always says that you are "the best" and that your company cooks books better than Martha Stewart and that is why Mr. Thurston hired your employees to handle his divorce from Mrs. Thurston which was the whole reason Mrs. Thurston had to move away to the Tenderloin."

R. Daddy: "There there, now, enough praise for your Daddy for one night. Let's just close our eyes and I'll tell you the story about the Sandman."

Buffy: (sleepily) "Ok Daddy, only this time when you tell it, don't forget the part about how the Sandman's pants get torn on the fence when Mr. Farqhuar chases him with his shotgun...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

R. Daddy: "And so a Republican is somebody who knows how to make people know how important they are."


jim said...

one slight error. Every place the word Repuublican appears,you need to replace it with
"Dumbed Down Democrat"

Anonymous said...

jim, you may be right.

Anonymous said...

I've read 'Why Mommy is a Democrat' Although, I much prefer its original title: 'Why Mommy is a Commie'.

TheGaySwami said...

Oooh, yes Anonymous 2. I know the very exciting sequel book to "Why Mommy is a Commie"!

It's called "Why Daddy Smokes a Fatty"!