Monday, August 18, 2008

Michael Phelps Wins 8 Gold Medals: A Mel Toast Exclusive

“Our guy won 8 gold medals without the Chinese making him have a swim-sinker.”
-Mel Toast

Mel Toast, on citing the preposterousness behind the talented Chinese girl being replaced with the "cute” lip-syncher to sing ‘Ode to the Motherland.’
h/t to The Dark Wraith

After spending two weeks in China on his knees to an undisclosed gymnastics equipment client threatening to pull the plug if the Americans “win too much,” Chicago's own Mel Toast returns home after a “bleatingly painful” flight to “mostly” report on the Olympics “and maybe some other stuff.”

Rumored to be in one piece, Mel graciously spoke to yours truly live this morning, alternately removing his head from the bowl of ice water stashed next to the speaker phone in the auxiliary conference room reserved exclusively for those suffering from all-night benders as he sketched out the filthy, harrowing details surrounding his trip, where he was “too busy scoring cheap liquor and cab drivers who could pretend to speak English.”

In addition to sparing us "senseless" details of the time spent with the campy brunette he met in the empty bleacher stands who, Toasts claims, was in charge of entertaining the fans by freely distributing pirated copies of Hellboy II: The Golden Army, Mel revealed “DVD sales weren’t so good, but she did have a decent internet connection” which he confirmed by later spending the night over at her place only to end up “landing on my goddamned ass in the alley at 4:00 am Dragon time after some guy in a uniform claiming to be her husband threatened to “crean my crock.” Walking alone aimlessly for miles in the dark, cloudy streets pondering his fate in the eyes of a Supreme Being, Mel scrambled around the Forbidden City during the wee hours looking for coffee and a cigarette, instead stumbling into an ancestral temple with an empty bathroom where he “crashed on the floor for about six hours.”

Later that evening, Mel shyly posed for pictures with the high-profile client and an entourage of three other underlings while dining at Beijing’s exclusive Penis Restaurant, when their table was abruptly assailed by paparazzi clamoring for an exclusive of Mel with the undisclosed, bicep building billionaire wolfing down entrées of “dubiously delicious pieces of chewy dog cranks.” And a good night was had by all!

Mel did however, manage to salvage the gymnasium equipment account. After being interrupted by one notoriously suspicious and nosey office admin for his unusually “hang dog” expression, Mel signed off the conference call with this:

“Our greatest glory is not in ever falling, but in rising every time we fall after drinking too much unpasteurized beer from Shangdong Province and returning to the brass with a fucking check.”

Welcome back, Mel!


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Michael Phelps is awesome!