Islamist Extremists Ban Dog from British Media Campaign

FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY

Did you know that dogs are considered unclean in Islam? That’s right. You can’t eat dogs when you’re a muslim (Chinese cooks are all Buddhists or Episcopalian) and you also can’t have them be seen near a telephone in British advertising campaigns, either. And guess what esle? Muslims believe that Pigs are not as unclean as dogs! I feel like having “Yay Allah!” embroidered into my prayer rug!

A British police force got caught up recently in a big fat flap over its use of a German shepherd puppy to promote an emergency hotline, so a muslim councilor, noting that dogs are viewed as unclean in Islam, complained that the puppy could turn off future believers to the muslim faith. The police force then had to apologize to everybody and said that they “regretted not consulting its diversity officer.” Oh boy, would I love to be a diversity officer! This is good news as the decision to censor the dogs from auditions would open up up all kinds of opportunities for Pigs to land that spot, and although it really is unfair to dogs, I call it Wilbur's Revenge...

Anyway, it is true that some muslims think Pigs may be as unclean as dogs, but while this is disputed by others, ALL agree that touching a Pig only makes you have to wash your hands only once with any old soap but touching a dog requires washing your hands seven times with dust or dirt! But what I want to know is, since Pigs are cleaner than dogs, how come there are so many dogs as housepets by comparison? This could have something to do with the fact that most Americans are Presbyterians and Baptists. Plus, when was the last time you saw a Pig in a starring role on television as famous as Lassie? HA! Not since Green Acres, and even then Arnold Ziffle took a back seat to Ava Gabor.

Before my conversion to Islam, I read that muslims should strive to keep their bodies and clothes clean and pure, and especially avoid wearing any gloves made out of pigskin, because that would involve touching something impure and expose your hands and clothes to the risk of becoming impure, which would affect the validity of your prayers. So far, this is working out well for me.

The only problem I have is the gross injustice meted out to Pigs with the word “unclean” but I suppose things could be much, much worse. At least this way, plenty of bacon is spared when it comes to all kinds of things like ending up on the wrong end of a skewer or a mixed into a soup with MSG and old cabbage, not to mention being objectified by the gratuitous use of our images in tawdry and alarmist advertisements.

But times are changing, and Pigs ought to have the same rights as Justin Timberlake or George Clooney to choose to be exposed on the cover of The Sun or to have their own Reality TV shows, too, just like everybody else without fearing religious censors getting all into everybody shorts about who is cleaner than somebody else.

Pigs for Equal Rights to Choose!

QUINCY