Happy Memorial Day: From the Desk of Quincy

 FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY

“Barack Obama: Wasn't he supposed to turn the water into wine, not Texas tea?”

-Quincy

Happy Memorial Day, Everybody!

I hope you are all having a nice day remembering the soldiers who defended the United States of America. Serving one's country is an honor and a privilege, especially if you make it out of there alive.

I tried to enlist in the armed services but got disqualified because I am, you know, a PIG. I'm an actual PIG and our distinct minority faces all kinds of discrimination way, way beyond Gays in the military with DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell). What many people don't know is that being a PIG means automatic disqualification from all kinds of public outings and opportunities you normally take for granted, like go-kart racing and especially employment. Try applying for Maître d' at the Boom Boom Room and you're not only (rather rudely) shown the door, but banned from ever dining there.

Last month, I found myself at a Fellini-esque crossroads, trying to decide what to do with my life. Should I take an Introduction to Photoshop class at the local community college or clandestinely and bravely serve my country? After being approached by a camouflage pants wearing military recruiter (well, that's what he said he was) in the SafeWay parking lot, I was encouraged to enlist after looking at the exciting pamphlet about all the places I could go – kind of like Dr. Seuss, only with attitude. Anyway, this was not to be. Besides, after my previous tour of duty on a stealthy, highly classified mission, you might say I was already overqualified.

But then the dreadful day in late April came, when BP's blowout preventer failed and caused the Gulf of Mexico to turn into the Black Sea.

On account of this, my plans to spend this Memorial four day weekend at Mr. And Mrs. Crisp's Ft. Myers beach front condo were scotched after the historic, man made disaster down in the Gulf of Mexico. The smell is beastly, and the mood of the locals is worse. The gusher is STILL gushing, and nobody knows how to really fix the mess.

That's why I was tapped by the State Department to go down to Houston this week to root out the culprits behind this non-stop, vicious and voracious volcano of black gold, Texas tea. Not only are wild PIGS highly experienced in rooting out farm profits, but we're also creatures willing to get down into the dirty muck of rooting out inconspicuous feral animals and blowhards guilty of poaching everything sustainable for the rest of those in the sty.

It won't be easy, since everybody involved is either a big fat liar and/or incompetent, but somebody has to help investigative journalist Mr. Greg Palast skewer a few rolling carcasses on a spit. As he wrote in his article Smart PIG: BP's OTHER Spill BP has a history of “cheaping out”:

“By not properly inspecting the pipeline for over a decade, BP failed to prevent that March 2006 spill which polluted Prudhoe Bay. And cheaping out on remote controls for their oil well blow-out preventers appears to have cost the lives of 11 men on the Deepwater Horizon.

But then, failure to implement proper safety procedures has saved BP, not millions but billions of dollars, suggests that the company's pig is indeed, very, very smart.”

You can say THAT again, Mr. Greg Palast! This guy really, really knows what he's talking about.

I'm heading out now to join friends for an afternoon barbecue. Later on, in remembrance of Dennis Hopper, we plan to pop open a few Red Tail Ales and watch one of the best movies ever made, Easy Rider.

Have a happy Memorial Day!

-QUINCY