Happy Memorial Day: From the Desk of Quincy

 FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY

“Barack Obama: Wasn't he supposed to turn the water into wine, not Texas tea?”

-Quincy

Happy Memorial Day, Everybody!

I hope you are all having a nice day remembering the soldiers who defended the United States of America. Serving one's country is an honor and a privilege, especially if you make it out of there alive.

I tried to enlist in the armed services but got disqualified because I am, you know, a PIG. I'm an actual PIG and our distinct minority faces all kinds of discrimination way, way beyond Gays in the military with DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell). What many people don't know is that being a PIG means automatic disqualification from all kinds of public outings and opportunities you normally take for granted, like go-kart racing and especially employment. Try applying for Maître d' at the Boom Boom Room and you're not only (rather rudely) shown the door, but banned from ever dining there.

Last month, I found myself at a Fellini-esque crossroads, trying to decide what to do with my life. Should I take an Introduction to Photoshop class at the local community college or clandestinely and bravely serve my country? After being approached by a camouflage pants wearing military recruiter (well, that's what he said he was) in the SafeWay parking lot, I was encouraged to enlist after looking at the exciting pamphlet about all the places I could go – kind of like Dr. Seuss, only with attitude. Anyway, this was not to be. Besides, after my previous tour of duty on a stealthy, highly classified mission, you might say I was already overqualified.

But then the dreadful day in late April came, when BP's blowout preventer failed and caused the Gulf of Mexico to turn into the Black Sea.

On account of this, my plans to spend this Memorial four day weekend at Mr. And Mrs. Crisp's Ft. Myers beach front condo were scotched after the historic, man made disaster down in the Gulf of Mexico. The smell is beastly, and the mood of the locals is worse. The gusher is STILL gushing, and nobody knows how to really fix the mess.

That's why I was tapped by the State Department to go down to Houston this week to root out the culprits behind this non-stop, vicious and voracious volcano of black gold, Texas tea. Not only are wild PIGS highly experienced in rooting out farm profits, but we're also creatures willing to get down into the dirty muck of rooting out inconspicuous feral animals and blowhards guilty of poaching everything sustainable for the rest of those in the sty.

It won't be easy, since everybody involved is either a big fat liar and/or incompetent, but somebody has to help investigative journalist Mr. Greg Palast skewer a few rolling carcasses on a spit. As he wrote in his article Smart PIG: BP's OTHER Spill BP has a history of “cheaping out”:

“By not properly inspecting the pipeline for over a decade, BP failed to prevent that March 2006 spill which polluted Prudhoe Bay. And cheaping out on remote controls for their oil well blow-out preventers appears to have cost the lives of 11 men on the Deepwater Horizon.

But then, failure to implement proper safety procedures has saved BP, not millions but billions of dollars, suggests that the company's pig is indeed, very, very smart.”

You can say THAT again, Mr. Greg Palast! This guy really, really knows what he's talking about.

I'm heading out now to join friends for an afternoon barbecue. Later on, in remembrance of Dennis Hopper, we plan to pop open a few Red Tail Ales and watch one of the best movies ever made, Easy Rider.

Have a happy Memorial Day!

-QUINCY

Suspended Vatican Priest Has List Of Gay Colleagues

FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY

Holy See, Batman! Quincy’s Exclusive Report From The Curia, Vatican City, Rome

Quincy, the savant journalist formerly from North Carolina, has confirmed early this morning that a monsignor identified during an undercover teevee broadcast who allegedly had his “gaydar going off all over the place while the cameras were rolling only he didn’t even KNOW about it” did indeed make overtures to some guy he chatted with on the Italian internet and to whom he insisted “gay sex was not sinful.”

Quincy has now learned that the not-supposed-to-be-gay gay Vatican monsignor, Thomasso Stenico -- whose job was to act as enforcer of proper, priestly service --- now says that he knows “a whole bunch of other gay priests who he doesn’t want to have to sqeal on.” Facing the distinct possibility of not making Bishop over this not so holy look and see, the pair has nonetheless become good friends during the scandal, prompting Quincy’s expression of deep concern for the monsignor, carefully noting

“Tommy is visibly distraught over the threat of becoming defrocked – which, in laymen’s terms, is serious Italian hankycode for “losing your shirt for good around here.”

Quincy reports that Tommy got sick and tired of the unfair interviewer lady asking him if “it is a sin to be gay” over and over again so many times that he basically kicked her sneaky ass out of the Curia as he “showed her the lift.”

Quincy’s skyclad attempt to gain access to the exclusive and extensive Italian gay priest list has had the pair sporting around Rome all day in a leased, 1961 black De Soto which Quincy briskly says is “just like driving the Batmobile.” Well into the evening, the two have reportedly spared no expense as they wined and dined at Il Pastorello on the Vatican expense account.

Although it is evening in Rome and Quincy is no longer answering his iPhone, stealth, live videocam sources reveal that the monsignor and Quincy are now zooming into Milan to shop around for some scalped Armani sport jackets and if time permits, a drive over to the Pirelli’s majestic villa for a nightcap and to pick up a tire for the one that blew out on the De Soto.


In keeping with the Law of Threefold Return and in a move not unlike returning the head of Bobafet, Quincy vows that his expressed mission is to

“secure the gay priest list and return it safely to the Pope before the Associated Press “get their sticky neopagan fingers on it.”

In a brief meeting with the Pope, Quincy reveals that he deflected the entire question of whether Tommy should get his old job back since it was unfair that he was being filmed when he didn’t think he was:

“Pope, Father Sir, Just because Tommy is gay but not supposed to be in order for him to get to be Bishop is no reason to give him the sack”, implored Quincy.

When asked what Quincy would be going as for Halloween upon his return home to San Francisco, he hinted

“I’m not sure yet, but after meeting with the Pope, I’m thinking about going as Jesus, or maybe Larry Craig’s loafer.”

Ciao bella, Everybody!

-QUINCY

Swine Flu Update: Quincy 18 Hour Hostage Ordeal, Confronts Cairo, Egypt Swinocide

-FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY-

"Pigs Don't Kill People. People Kill Pigs."

SWINE FLU UPDATE: Quincy Freed After 18 Hour Mexican Hostage Crisis, Escapes to Egypt and Confronts Mass Swinocide

For Immediate Release


CAIRO – After spending the past week in Mexico City in an attempt to route out the Swine Flu “pandemic” perpetrators and explain why the Swine Flu epidemic seems to be much worse in Mexico, Quincy’s plans to return home for a debriefing to California were sidelined after being ambushed and taken hostage by roving Mexican gang members who captured him Wednesday while leaving the Courtyard Marriot’s pool after a late night swim. State Department officials last week tapped the stealth, porcine investigative journalist renown for his high profile reconnaissance missions (See Gay Bomb: Quincy Reports from Baghdad) to infiltrate the Mexican city and determine the exact source of the disease and to rule out that it was Hillary or Obama who brought traces of the deadly disease with them on their visit with President Calderon over the past month.


According to one eye witness, hotel recreation staffer, “Felipe”, Quincy was minding his own business while doing tequila shots in the spa with a few other guests prior to jumping into the pool where he took a quick swim. Upon exiting, he was accosted by a loud and rowdy entourage, wielding guns and “grotesque” tattoos who marched Quincy out the side gate through the parking lot, shoving him into an unmarked SUV. Fearing for his safety, Quincy persuaded the kidnappers to offer himself up for ransom, coaxing the gang to go along with his ingenious plan:

“ Look, muchachas, you’re not really vicious killers. Just like those Somalian pirates, what you actually want is money. So here’s the deal: you call up President Calderon and tell him that you have captured THE PIG responsible for creating and spreading the Swine Flu all over Mexico City. Say to the President: “We’ve got the Pig…If you want to see him alive and become an overnight hero and media star to the Aztec gods, meet us in the alley behind the Courtyard Marriott at sunset with a bag stuffed with 12 trillion pesos and make sure you come alone. No Blackwater detail. You got that?”

The following afternoon, Quincy was successfully rescued by a Mexican SWAT Team and the brazen gang members were taken into custody. Although no official report has been filed, Quincy did provide preliminary details about the suspicious details surrounding the Swine Flu “pandemic”:

“What pandemic? Conflicting reports have the dead numbered anywhere from two to 150, although even these numbers differ based upon who you talk to. Some even say it’s a money making scheme."

Less than 24 hours later, the Swine Flu alert turned into mass swinocide in Cairo, Egypt, and Quincy was met outside Mexico City limits in a dusty airfield by none other than private jet pilot and neighbor, Mr. Crisp, who whisked him off to Cairo to confront the most horrible genocide of the 21st century. Amidst overflowing bags of garbage, Quincy interviewd local resident, Abu Sayed, who raises pigs, chickens, ducks, pigeons and goats on a small muddy plot of land in order to feed and clothe the extended family of 14 with whom he shares a blackened makeshift shack. (Read the article in full for the horrific details.)

Since he doesn’t own a radio or a TV, Sayed was then informed that the Egyptian government decreed on Wednesday that his pigs, along with all 300,000 pigs in the country, had to be slaughtered as a precaution against the spread swine flu; despite the fact that no cases of the H1N1 swine flu virus have been reported here and it is spread by people, not pigs.

A visibly shaken and upset but stoic Quincy wrapped with the expression “People Kill Pigs, Pigs don’t Kill People” and later had this to say:

“Things are not exactly all swine and roses over here, and the wholesale slaughter of innocent Pigs is a tragedy of the highest conceivable order. These backwards monsters in Cairo are murderers and everybody, from Sayed's diabetic mother who will not be able to afford her eye treatments because their family has to kill all the Pigs are needlessly suffering. Where is our President to intervene in Cairo to stop all the killing?”

-2Truthy

The French Are Revolting and So Are Americans, If They Won't Be, Too!

FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY

Hello Everybody, it's me.

QUINCY.

I really do hope you all enjoy the above scene from one of my most favorite movies!

Two very shocking stories appeared today regarding more fat and nasty corporate overlords feasting at the trough as they slash jobs from citizens, er, make that peasants --- who are now, yes, revolting. It’s all the rage, of course, for U.S. politicians to personally profit by selling out the lives of America’s educated middle class professionals as 2Truthy already reported here How Our Politicians Buy Foreign “Friends” to Sack American Workers.

The first story today involves Patrick Thibodeau’s report in this Computerworld article that IBM “may be getting set to make its largest single workforce reduction thus far this year” and hand over 4,000 U.S. jobs to India. Other estimates mark the number of American jobs lost in this reduction to India at 5,000. But what I don't understand is why an already fat boss from IBM would ever want to take jobs away from his neighbors who need them, so first I called up Mel to ask him and he said:

"Quincy, they're not like you and me. They would rather watch American corpses pile up in the streets than SACRIFICE (Mel said to put the word "sacrifice" in caps so I did) their Hawaiian hookers."

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I fall asleep every night and never forget to thank The Hog on High for my wonderful adopted family here at 2Truthy’s place. I never have to worry about where my next feed will come from or if the swimming pool will be filthy – not that I care if it’s filthy, since I grew up in a Pig Sty and our differences about cleanliness can tend to vary.


Anyway, in another story today, the French sure know how to grab headlines, leaving their U.S. counterparts to rotate on a spit when it comes to battling against the mean corporate windbags to demand their jobs back. In exciting news from the City of Lights, a group of unidentified, extremely polite French workers burned a whole bunch of tires and then marched on the presidential palace where that short guy lives with Mick Jagger’s old squeeze and held a manager of U.S. manufacturer 3M hostage Wednesday as anger mounted over job cuts and executive bonuses!


I guess this is what is meant when they say the French are “stuck up”… only for all the bravado affixed to the U.S. tough guy stereotype, American workers couldn’t shoot the basement worm with a Grizzley 50 Big Boar if they even tried…


But thousands of miles away, as detained hostage 3M manager Luc Rousselet endured the second day of captivity at a plant in Pithiviers, south of Paris, the considerate, kind and civilized French mob made sure that the 3M manager was treated like a prince. Rousselet assured an AP reporter "everything's fine" and that workers planned to bring him “mussels and French fries” for dinner - sans the requested french bread, brie and a couple of bottles of Vintage 1985 Chateau Margeaux -- but hey, not bad for hostage dining.


So then the really, really angry French decided to march over to the presidential palace and a light up a huge bonfire of tires because a German auto parts factory in Clairoix, northeast of Paris, plans to totally shut down in 2010, which might explain where the angry French mobs got the idea to burn tires for their protest.


And other people in Europe, too, are starting to get pissed off at these big, fat windbags so make sure to read the WHOLE article, everybody!


Vive le France!


QUINCY

The Gay Swami Times

-The Gay Swami-

FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY

Happy 2009, Everybody!


Did you know that Silicon Valley has no *openly gay* executives and CEO’s?

That’s why many of them along with venture capitalists (a vc is somebody who knows how to inflate the value of a start-up and then rack up a bunch of money to spread around among themselves) who come here from the East coast marry a disproportionate number of grumpy old DAR’s (Daughters of the American Revolution) to be their beards. Even though a lot of them (2Truthy’s best friend is a DAR so not ALL of them are stuffy) are a bunch of unattractive, whiney old battle-axes who make sure “Paul” or “John” or “Colin” stay on rigid vegetarian diets of dangling tofu-ham shanks with ancho chili-pepper seasoned bulgher wheat and never, ever allow them to leave the house without perfectly creased, extra-tight Campagnolo Men's Carbon Bib bicycle shorts, the hidden cult of Silicon Valley’s secretive, in the closet gay executive/CEO community has spread to India where the practice of soliciting gay friendships can be maximized by throwing in a few stock options in exchange for a harem of willing, indentured servants to fulfill their otherworldly ponzi scheme fantasies.

Here is an exciting magazine called “The Gay Swami” that blows the lid off all the wealthy ones who want to be secret and even more wealthy so they hire slave workers.



Anyway, just a short hop from the city of San Francisco where some of the most creative minds in the industry live, the secretive, ponzi-schemy ones can be found about thirty five miles to the south with “Sand Hill Road” post office box addresses while the rest of the hard working, honest and REAL gay community (as I reported in this special segment: San Francisco Gay Pride Parade: Quincy Live from the Castro) struggles to keep their agency side, promo-pitching and copy-editing work from being outsourced to slavey boy workers during this country’s Great Depression.


Why is it that only the sneaky, bad people keep making the news and always get pleasant surroundings when they get arrested for their corporate crimes? Even Martha Stewart had only nice things to say about her pleasant stay in the slammer.


I have to go now and stake out a privately held, shadowy group of green technology investors’ attempt to get a local politician to seduce signatures from unsuspecting taxpayers so they can avoid paying money out of their own pockets to pay their salaries.

Well, for 2009, the New Year’s resolution for all closet ponzi schemers should be to come out of the closet and stop hiring slave labor.

Have a Nice Day,

QUINCY

NOSCHOOLGATE: "No School" Middle School Greeting Dogs Thanksgiving

FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY

SPECIAL REPORT: QUINCY LIVEBLOGS FROM THE WILBUR WRIGHT MIDDLE SCHOOL CAMPUS

Munster, IN The leaves are turning and it sure is an Indian Summer around here in the leafy Midwestern hamlet of Munster. All of the kids and parents have been so warm and friendly --- like sharing cookies and Red Bull and Pollack jokes while assisting with my pup-tent as I stake out the scene; very different from 2Truthy’s neighborhood where asking for a ride around the Country Club on your neighbor’s golf cart elicits some very strange reactions, like calling the police. Now for today's exclusive NOSCHOOLGATE update.
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Glad that trampoline was there…

Anyway, here at my reporting outpost or what the locals are calling “Camp Quincy”, we have laid in wait all day with no success in smoking out the principal. It is now the end of the day and first of all, the big news is that the “No School” greeting is still on the Wilbur Wright Middle School kiosk. But guess what?

FOX NEWS is investigating the story and the word on the street (that’s code for I heard this second hand) is that there were TWO other middle schools in Munster who ALSO did not have “Happy Thanksgiving” greetings on their kiosk, too, but one of them just changed theirs! That leaves Wilbur Wright and Elliot holding the bag... Could this be some kind of a sign? Well, this tells us that if Wilbur Wright Middle School doesn’t change its sign soon before Elliot does, the last one in is a rotten egg, Mr. Principal ...

Alert: I just saw a slightly heavyset black woman climb out of a chauffer driven limousine across the street. Could it be Oprah?

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Nobody else is getting out – and there is no camera crew in tow, either. Hmph. We’ll have to see if this is just some parent picking up a student in detention or the principal’s wife or special friend arriving to pick him up and dodge the paparazzi...

One of the tweens, Curtis, who has been hanging around my tent today was very philosophical and reminded me of Kahil Gibran. Curtis was wondering what the real reason was for not having a “Happy Thanksgiving” greeting in front of a school that demands you be there all day long, sit still, not talk, don’t chew gum, refrain from obscenities, tell the truth, turn your homework in on time, don’t be late, don’t namecall, raise your hand, bring your teachers apples and L’Air du Temps for holidays and special grades, and for what?” He said. “This is the thanks we get?”

But the best thing Curtis said was this:

“We don’t need no stinkin’ sign to tell us when there’s no school. Do they think we’re stupid? Since when do you have to have it in big letters “No School” to know when there’s no school? That’s the same thing as thinking somebody doesn’t know when their birthday is unless you put it up in big letters. Besides, all kids like Thanksgiving.”

Ok, so now we just have to wait and see what the principal's next move will be. And hope it doesn’t rain tomorrow. But if it does, Curtis has offered to let me use his mother’s car in exchange for a six-pack and a few rolls of quarters so he and his friends can have fun playing video games at the Southlake Mall tomorrow night.

Stay tuned,

QUINCY

Muslim Prisoners Sue For Millions After Eating Ham Sandwiches For Ramadan

FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY

Winning the War on Pork

Leeds, England. Culinary critic and internationally acclaimed Pigs Rights champion, Quincy, stopped in England over the weekend on his way back from reporting on the Gay Vatican scandal.

“I’ve always enjoyed England in the fall”, noted Quincy, adding “I especially like riding around London with the smell of all that diesel fuel. Did you know that biodiesel smells like french fries?”


Reporting live from Leeds, Quincy, clad in a form fitting burqa, confirms that two hundred outraged Muslim inmates at a prison in England were forced to eat ham sandwiches during Ramadan for dinner. The menu items were apparently disguised as “cheese sandwiches” but actually contained boiled ham – something that should “never, ever, EVER” happen to anyone during Ramadan or “anywhere else”, according to Quincy, explaining

“It’s not just about ‘boiling’ ham. This most egregious rights violation signals an international disturbing trend. Not only is it a human rights violation to serve Muslims ham sandwiches at Ramadan, but this unsavory event is a global Pigs Rights issue of the highest order and must be stopped if Pigs are to achieve the same parity and equal rights as everybody else – from Muslim inmates, Monty Haulers and limo drivers, this is an issue that affects us all worldwide.”

Unsatisfied with the Prison’s official yet “feeble and flimsy” excuse of a menu printing error, Quincy grilled the Warden:

“Must we all be Meat Shields? Who needs a ham sandwich when we can have a Sara Lee cheesecake?

In retaliation for the menu offense, the Muslim prisoners are now demanding ten thousand pounds each in compensation, which Quincy describes as

“There is no price one can put on a pound of flesh.. As long as it’s not ten thousand pounds of ham or the OTHER white meat, it’s OK with me.”

What will the outcome be in the War on Pork? Quincy concludes

“Whole worlds of choices lie before us and yet, we as a global society continue to fall prey to the unseemly appetites of Muslim prisoners and Nation Cruise chefs when we could instead rise above the fray. After all, life is more than a forced dietary menu consisting of ham. What we all need to do right now is remove any traces of ham from our diets once and for all. Veto the pork!”

-2Truthy

San Francisco Gay Pride Parade 2008: Quincy Live From the Castro

FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY

San Francisco Gay Pride Parade 2008

Early this morning, Nancy, and her partner, Mr. Crisp were on their way to Mendocino and offered me a lift into San Francisco for my second annual live blogging assignment at the SF Gay Pride Parade. This year, I was also selected to the 2008 safety volunteer team (see more on this below) to “maintain a safe and welcoming Pride event space” which is really Pig-Latin for “be a big, big fat snitch on anyone who doesn’t look like a happy camper or wants to jump on stage during Cyndi Lauper’s encore.”


Did you know that politics never completely eludes even the most joyous of festivity planning? Well, it doesn’t. So can you keep a secret?
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OK. According to high ranking SFGPP ’08 officials, the whole reason I was tapped to head up the “Special Species Safety and Security Unit” (SSSSU) was based upon my previous mission to Baghdad where I uncovered the full-monty surrounding "Operation One-Eyed Trouser Snake" and the alleged “Gay Bomb” affair that had tongues and everything else wagging last year. Sources revealed a confidential State Department memo leaked to the Mayor’s office that read:

“If anyone has any of that Gay Bomb aphrodisiac left in their supersoakers, it’s QUINCY MULDOON. Find him.”

Last year, I also spotted what appeared to be Gavin Newsom and a high profile hotel manager holding hands in the swanky hotel’s elevator so that, too, could have prompted the call.


Anyway, everything’s going great so far and everybody is having a wonderful time!


Shortly after 9:30 am, I did manage to prevail over a little squirmish….While heading down Market Street before the parade started, I was propositioned by a suspicious looking minister who looked an awful lot like Mayor Gavin Newsom to receive interdenominational Holy Communion who insisted that I eat the Eucharist he kept waving around at me. After politely explaining that I never took candy from strangers, he said “oh, put a fork in it, Quincy. It’s not like it’s soaked in Ecstasy or cheap vermouth or anything.” Well, after hearing that, I immediately pulled out my SSSSU badge and firmly told him to “step away from the curb” which, thank God, he did. It was probably best that I skipped Communion since I prefer not to accept the wafer without a chilled glass of chablis (but that’s just me).


You should see all the smoke around here! My eyes are burning -- which is pretty bad, since I have enough trouble seeing even on the clearest days. Plus, the air smells like old cabbage and spicy ox tripe in chili sauce but that could just be downdraft wind blowing in from Chinatown, where I had an early lunch of steamed pullet at the infamous SUM TING WONG restaurant where our gracious host, Mr. Din, assured us that we would be in no immediate danger of attracting the opposite sex, the same sex or the same OR even different species to our otherwise “desirable” persons anytime soon. (Hmph. I wonder what he meant by that crack? I saw his cook leering at me from the double door plastic windows back in the kitchen after I excused myself to find the lavatory...Like my mother used to say, “one can never be too careful around big city restaurant chefs and smokehouses.”)


Anyway, after all the forest fire smoke wafting through Northern California, this place is starting to look like China after an uncontained seven-alarm fire at a Tianjin tire factory.

Even when the weather report says it’s gong to be “clear”, the sky and the air are all cloudy and thick as an Atlanta afternoon during Sherman’s march.


Oh, it’s so great to live in a city where everybody can be happy AND gay, too! I just love it here where even PIGS like me are treated equally. Almost.


There are so many festivities! I do hope I get a chance to meet Cyndi Lauper backstage and ask for her hairstylist’s phone number. Viva Cyndi! I’ve had a big crush on Cyndi ever since I heard “Time After Time” on Mr. Crisp’s boom box in Turks and Caicos. So guess what I did? I slipped a note into her assistant’s handbag to ask her to change the lyrics to “PIGS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN” and so, keep your fingers crossed. I can’t wait!


The lineup for tonight is so exciting. I’m going to have to take a nap now to preserve my energy. And do you know what my FAVORITE event is going to be? You guessed it: CHARO!


Happy San Francisco Gay Pride, everybody!


QUINCY

Why Does Al Gore Trust John McCain?

FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY

Stop Pushing Pork for Corporate Polluters!

Aside from trying to make the guards laugh in front of Buckingham Palace or hanging around Soho watching Ola Onabule perform at Ronnie Scott’s, one of my favorite things to do in London is to ride around on the double-decker busses and smell the fumes because it smells just like French fries and do you know why? It smells like French fries because some of those busses use biofuels made from the old oil of potato chips grease. But did you know that a recent study suggests that the production of biofuel from cooking oils causes 70% more greenhouse gas than those caused by fossil fuels?



That’s right. I just read here that there is a ‘full cycle’ of new studies showing that biofuels actually cause more pollution than fossil fuel. Plus, once the oil is put into the fuel tanks, it’s no longer good to cook with. So what I want to know is “why”? Why is perfectly good food being used in our gas tanks that we could all be eating?



Everbody is trying to invent ways to run cars and trucks and busses because the planet is running out of oil but what I want to know is, why doesn’t everybody just start taking the train, riding their bikes and walking more and just say “NO” to food guzzling and intoxicated vechicles drunk on ethanol? ANOTHER highly suspicious problem -- perhaps the deepest of all --- is when politicians like John McCain want to reward offenders by pushing a lot – I mean A LOT of pork at corporate polluters! How this helps save the world’s bacon, I am not exactly sure………



And why does Al Gore say John McCain should be trusted on climate change? Could it be that he, too, has a special, unhealthy interest in PORK? Hmmmm.


Anyway, Soho is a wonderful place. I could always walk from 2Truthy’s aunt’s residence in Belgravia to Victoria Station and then take the tube to Leicester Square and get a little exercise but instead, I enjoy taking the bus because it’s more fun and then I don’t have to sweat. Besides, it rains a lot in England and I’d rather show up to the clubs au natural, sans a brolly and trenchcoat so walking is not always expedient.


Back to riding the double-decker busses. It’s all so delightful. Not only does the conductor let me run around and sing on the upper deck and hang my snout out the window, but the bus passengers are much friendlier and less cranky than all of those stuffy accountants and Versace clad carbon-cap traders who ride the tubes. But when I’m riding on the bus, it doesn’t really matter that most of the passengers don’t speak English, because when traveling, the universal language is the “smile” which, in my case, I have to be very careful about in order not to be misunderstood. One time, I smiled at an old lady who, I think, might have been a Croatian gypsy. Anyway, she thought I was smiling at her in order to take her seat so she slammed her handbag at my head and then her bottle of Scotch fell out. When I tried to pick it up and hand it to her, she screamed obscenities and then the driver pulled over and threw me right off the bus, shouting “pull that bloody hell again on my bus and next time I’ll drop you at the Tower of London and see you’re locked up!”


Now, whenever I ride the double-decker busses, I just pretend I don’t see old ladies (even when I do) and just keep staring out the window at all of the wonderful sights to see in London. But now, it appears we have bigger fish (NOT PORK) to fry back here in the States.


Here is a link for everybody to join the growing grassroots campaign for sensible global warming legislation. Take action now. Help keep the pork out of the greedy hands and gullets of those politicians who would rather feed French fries to vehicles than to the masses.


Cheerio,


QUINCY

World Health Organization (WHO) Declares Swine Flu NOT “Swine's" Flu

FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY

Farmers Fear Pigs May Get 'Swine' Flu from People

Hello Everybody, It’s Me.

QUINCY,

Yay! The World Health Organization (WHO) on Thursday officially declared it would stop calling the new strain of flu "swine flu," because no Pigs in any country have been determined to have the illness and the origination of the strain has not been determined. This exciting, new report exonerates all swine everywhere, blowing the stink off of this senseless attempt to smear the world's smartest four-legged species.

Only before you read the rest, go to your partners and other s.o.’s and shout from the rooftops: “Pigs Don’t Kill People. PEOPLE KILL PIGS!” Don’t think about it. JUST DO IT…

Anyway, Kansas rocks! Championing the cause for porcine equality and justice in my unofficial Pigs for Peace Movement (that so far, George Clooney has yet to provide a celebrity endorsement) is a Pig Farmer in Kansas, Mr. Ron Suther. Unlike those slaughtering Egyptians in Cairo who committed mass swinocide by waging a jihad on hundreds of thousands of innocent Pigs, Farmer Ken is even banning visitors from his sow barns and is making the maintenance workers, delivery men and other strangers report on recent travels and any illness before they step one foot on his property. National Pork Producers chief veterinarian Jennifer Greiner rallied around our cause by making sure that U.S. pork producers are doing everything they can to make sure that the new H1N1 virus, known around the world as the "swine flu," stays out of their herds:

"There is no evidence of this new strain being in our pig populations in the United States. And our concern very much is we don't want a sick human to come into our barns and transmit this new virus to our pigs," said National Pork Producers chief veterinarian Jennifer Greiner.
"If humans give it to pigs, we don't have things like Tamiflu for pigs. We don't have antivirals. We have no treatment other than to give them aspirin," said Greiner.”



Some of you may remember my conversion to Islam last year here. But after the Muslims in Cairo launched their jihad on hundreds of thousands of defenseless, Egyptian Pigs, I pulled out my prayer rug, got down on my knees and wailed “Why, Allah, why? How could you allow this mass swinocide? Give us an apology, some kind of a sign by appointing a new Prophet – not Barack, since he refuses to veto the pork while prefering to cling to the Iberian ham…maybe somebody from Kansas -- who will redeem our faith once again in your divine mercy.” And do you know what? Allah DID by delivering us Farmer Ken.

One thing suspicious is that farmers were warned by some industry wonks and other veterinarians to

“step up their biosafety protocols, keeping pigs in barns behind security fences with access by any outsiders extremely limited.”

Uh-oh. (Could they be talking about a stealth ‘Gitmo’ for Pigs?)
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“Behind security fences”? “Access to outsiders”? Hmph. I’d better call up Mr. David Sirota who just wrote about Pigs here but didn’t name any names and compare notes. Maybe he will courageously face off with me on Blogging Heads TV in a porcine game of one-swinemanship called NAME THAT PIG. (Want to bet on who’ll win, everybody?) Anyway, Mr. David Sirota also said that “Pigs are supposed to be the smartest animal” and do you know what? He’s right. (Maybe we can get him instead of George Clooney to endorse our movement.)

Although my Pigs for Peace Movement (recently delivered a blow) is woefully underfunded just like the FDA, you can send an email to 2Truthy with your PayPal or credit card number in support of lodging/travel, food, entertainment and gambling expenses along with the occasional hush money necessary to conduct this undercover stealth mission into smoking out who’s behind this diabolical One World Plan to extink the Pig from our planet.

Have a nice weekend everybody,

QUINCY

San Francisco Gay Pride Parade: Quincy Live at the Castro

FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY
Reporting Live from the Castro

San Francisco, CA Clad in leather chops and army fatigues, I covered The San Francisco Gay Pride Parade today, where a fabulous turn out of thousands and thousands of people showed up in support of Gay rights and I am bursting with news that you will not even believe!


First, Elizabeth Edwards was on hand to deliver a breakfast speech in support of Gay Marriage at the Sir Francis Drake Hotel, which I completely missed due to a nasty billing dispute with the hotel manager at the Fairmont (just around the corner) over their alleged barnyard animal ban. Let me tell you, if you think gays have it bad when it comes to discrimination, after you read the way I was treated in this upscale establishment, you might say that Pigs are the new Gays


http://www.wral.com/news/state/story/1529206/


According to the manager, ‘Andre’, he said that 2Truthy was required to pony up an eight thousand dollar barnyard pet room deposit for the bay view suite but when I went to check out, Mr. Andre had the staff do a thorough and complete room check to “make certain that the place did not smell like a chorizo stand.”


So then do you want to know what I did? I pulled out my super soaker filled with a little of the left over GAY BOMB aphrodisiac I snuck out of General Petraeus’s barracks while in Baghdad last week and opened fire and he didn’t even know what hit him. Last thing I saw, Mr. Andre was holding hands with a man who looked EXACTLY like Mayor Gavin Newsom as they pressed the "up" elevator button.

http://tootruthy.blogspot.com/2007/06/gay-bomb-quincy-reports-from-baghdad.html

I then headed down to the Civic Center festivities and had a grand time. Everybody here is very happy and so nice -- kind of like sugar, kind of like spices.


But do you want to know what the best part of the whole day has been so far? When I got to listen to two original band members of THE OHIO EXPRESS perform YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY I GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY (watch video) in back of the new Barney’s.


Anyway, I am rushing now to head over to a wine and slop reception at Miss Piggy’s Domestic Partners swanky stye in Pacific Heights.


I was excited by the prospect of finally getting to add Miss Piggy to my list of Celebrity Sow Sightings, but I just learned that this was not to be…It seems that she is in New York interviewing with Barbara Walters for Rosie O’Donnell’s old chair on THE VIEW.


Happy Gay Pride Day, Everybody!

QUINCY

George Clooney: Chinese New Year Hijacked by Muslims Censoring Pigs

FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY

"Both adults and children believe pigs are a lucky symbol, which bring fortune and wealth," Tenlow's Wu Ying said. "Their plumpness means prosperity." - Wu Ying

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!

TODAY BEGINS THE CHINESE NEW YEAR, THE YEAR OF THE PIG. George Clooney is the first person who comes to mind after reading this NPR Weekend Edition Sunday, February 18, 2007 article

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=7480083


But how do you celebrate THE YEAR OF THE PIG without pigs?

Can somebody explain to me why, in the 21st Century, Muslims have a taboo on watching pigs on TV? In Shanghai, it is reported today that Muslims living in China say "seeing pig images on TV would make them feel very uncomfortable." So I am really wondering what George Clooney would say or do to save the bacon of millions of domestic pets and barnyard animals all across the globe if he only knew that this kind of censorship AND discrimination was happening in China!

According to NPR, Pigs have been banned from appearing in any ads on the state-run broadcaster, CCTV, after an order that is now surrounded by confusion. So what are they thinking over there in China? Don't they know that they stand to lose billions of dollars in advertising revenue alone by banning my highly appreciated brothers and sisters from lucrative contracts? If only George Clooney would champion this interspecies rights cause and convince his Hollywood neighbors of the importance of this vital, global issue.

And even though the Tenlow Brands SM, (Snack Manager), Wu Ying concurs

"Both adults and children believe pigs are a lucky symbol, which bring fortune and wealth" and that "their plumpness means prosperity", where are politically savvy actors like George Clooney to put some fresh spin in support of his favorite species?


While the Chinese government chalks up the ban as "harmonious", I find this government censorship most unfair because if everybody in the rest of the world ALSO discriminated against domestic pets and barnyard animals, then I and millions of others most certainly would permanently be out of a job and eventually become EXSTINKED. No, extinct. Ok.

Even big multinationals are aware of the sensitivities, reports Louisa Lim. Whereby a "Coca-Cola ad features a cute, Babe-like piglet braving mean city streets to get home for the Chinese New Year", according to Coke headquarters, things now go better with panda bears -- because the company later shot a SECOND version using PANDAS --- yes, PANDA BEARS --- instead! How come the Chinese don't care about rationality and favor religious extremist superstition?

Speaking of "Babe-like piglets"... and what a coincidence -- did you know that most recently, I lost an audition to this very serendipic, and quite frankly, empty headed and vacuous counterpart featured in the NPR article? Anyway, I just knew that this 'Babe' HAD to have been related or somehow beholden to the director, because if you could have been there to hear my 'harmonious' and perfect Jack Nicholson impersonation from "The Departed" (the part where he delivers my favorite line "We're A Nation Of Rats"), it was clear that I should have landed the part for this Chinese television advertisement.


Memo to George Clooney: Why not incorporate the following slogan into your new pet movie and or political campaign project:

"Don't allow Muslim extremism to take over the entertainment profession because it not only hurts profits but it discriminates against pigs!" No mincing words, here. Just come out with it.

Think of Max's honor, George, and how your championship would bring pride upon his immortal soul, knowing that you did the DECENT thing for our multicultural and interspecies survival.

-Quincy

Obama Refuses to Veto the Pork

Pigsnout with Truffle Sauce



FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY



Why Obama Will Never Veto the Pork

Obama Eats Fancy Spanish Pig at Philadelphia Italian Deli

For Immediate Release


PHILADELPHIA – Oh Boy. Obama told a lie about eating a fancy Spanish pig in Philly.

The Washington Post smoked out Sen. Barack Obama as he ate the flesh of an innocent, well-heeled, black hoofed Iberian pig for lunch at the upscale ITALIAN MARKET in Philadelphia this week and everybody is asking “why” since he made a speech in Altoona about how he was a vegan! And how come Barack discriminated against populist pigs and only prefers the premium, fancy pantanegra with black hooves? Well, just because MY bacon may have been saved is little consolation. Now the question on everyone's minds is : "If Barack ever gets elected president, how could anybody expect him to tell the truth or to veto all the pork?"

Why Barack, couldn’t you have stopped at the salami or the goat cheese? It’s time to call Pastor Wright on Barack because here is the big, fat fib he told:

"Yes, I am now a vegan. From a personal perspective, it doesn't hurt that people of African descent are invariably lactose intolerant. I have long been an advocate of the less fortunate among us, of those who life has handed a crooked deck, the short end of the stick, an unfair deal. There are no Americans for who this is more true than the populations of our feedlots and industrial farms. It is time to end the exploitation of farmed animals on American soil. It is time to give up hamburgers as we have given up slave-holding. It is time for us to end our dependence on milkshakes as we must end our dependence on foreign oil. It is time to acknowledge that the fishing industry does damage to our oceans far beyond that of emissions from our coal burning power plants. I invite all Americans to join me in a bright future free of cruelty and exploitation, free of the blood of innocents killed only for our pleasure”.

I just returned from Spain where I traveled to the countryside of Salamanca, only to be chased by a scout from a well-known Iberian ham and sausage factory. My hosts, Armando and Dieter, were able to talk down the impertinent yet persistent badger so I managed to dodge that bullet.

If only everybody knew how much Iberian pig is overrated! They only get to eat acorns before they are mercilessly slaughtered and then sold for $99.00 lb. !!! But on the North Carolina pig farm where I grew up, we had a wonderful, varied and balanced diet because the farmer’s twins, Edith and Patsy, snuck us baloney sandwiches and Pringles and made sure our feed bags were NEVER without plenty of lemonheads. They say the montanera method (a diet of ‘acorns only’) creates less superfluous concentrated liquids and therefore more glucogen but I say “what a load of hooey.” Just because the black-hoofed Iberico wild pig wanders around eating only acorns, how is that supposed to be healthy? How would YOU like to spend your life eating only acorns?

Where is George Clooney? Why can’t he take up our plight to STOP the senseless bloodletting of our most intelligent, domesticated barnyard animal? It seems like nothing ever changes for the better until a famous actor like Angelina or George steps up to the plate.

Pigs are the new beef jerky and it’s time for everyone to unite and stop the madness.
Click on the above youtube video and watch how Bella was saved and visit http://savebabe.com to learn how you can help.

Oh, and don’t forget to ask yourself when you go vote in November: how much pork do we really need and why won’t Barack veto it all?

Adios Amigos!

QUINCY

Thanksgiving Costumes Banned at Claremont School

FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY

Children's Traditional Thanksgiving Costume Ritual Runs Afoul

Hello Everybody, it’s me. QUINCY.

Oh boy. If it’s not one school trying to put a fork in a child's psyche, it's another.

Did you know that this week, a bunch of kindergartners were denied their inalienable right to dress up in handmade pilgrim and Native American costumes to celebrate Thanksgiving? Well, even if you didn’t know, the important thing is that the kids were “oblivious, as they should be” to all of the angry parents, according to Superintendant David Cash who deployed the ban. Some of the parents were angry because the kids always get dressed up in “handmade pilgrim and Native American costumes” every year at the site of a decades-old Thanksgiving tradition in front of Condit Elementary School in Claremont, CA.

“After a handful of parents complained that the Native American headdresses and vests were demeaning, cartoonish stereotypes, the Claremont Unified School District eliminated the costumes from this year's festivities, but allowed the turkey feast to go forward.”

What a relief, that the Superintendent decided not to ALSO deprive the town’s precious cargo from eating lots of scrumptious turkey and dressing and pie that kids everywhere always love on this most wonderful of holidays where, for one official day of the year, all snickering is cast aside so that everybody, large and small, gets to feast on as much food as you can possibly stuff down the bumbershoot.

I am so happy Superintendent Cash made this wise decision to at least allow the kids to have their feast because if he didn’t, I would have had to forgo my Thanksgiving plans at 2Truthy’s house to drive down to Southern California to smoke him out:

“Why, Superintendent Cash, why wouldn’t you let the kids get dressed up as turkeys and pilgrims when everybody knows that ALL kids, no matter what boat their ancestors came here from, love to play dress up?”

Anyway, now he’s in a pickle, and he even had to call up the police to tell them he is receiving some nasty e-mails and fears for his safety. Well, let’s hope that next year, Superintendent Cash changes his mind and decides to DO THE RIGHT THING.


I have to go now and prepare for 2Truthy’s medicinal marijuana friends who are coming over today. They are supposed to be bringing “dessert” (code for Marin County’s finest ditch weed). I’ll be seated with the beagle and the cat at the animal’s table (code for the backyard) waiting for delicious scraps. Don’t worry, my plan is to wait until all of the unusually loud laughter over nothing dies down and everybody starts staring at the ceiling to offer my clean up services in the kitchen, where I can begin my handiwork under the radar. (After that, providing there’s any pie left over, I’m going to disguise my voice like John Wayne and make prank phone calls to Superintendent Cash’s house and say “You're a persistent cuss, pilgrim!” hahahaha, too.)


Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody!

QUINCY

Chocolate Jesus Offends Quincy

From the Desk of Quincy

Chocolate Jesus Offends Quincy

I don’t know about the rest of you, but every year around this time during the Lenten/Easter season, I begin to experience a kind of queasy feeling with all this talk of chocolate bunnies and especially talk of ham.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11669242/

In today’s news, there is a public outcry against this artist, Cosimo Cavallaro, who made a statue of Our Lord, Jesus Christ, out of chocolate. That’s right – Cosimo turned Jesus into a whole chocolate body, from head to toe -- the whole private parts and everything --- and he is completely NAKED and not even wearing boxer shorts or anything. Look at that.

Notice that the picture only shows the top half of him…I think that’s because the newspaper would get so sued for showing the bottom half. Anyway, lots of people are very, very angry over this – especially the Catholics, which is how 2Truthy was raised. 2Truthy said that if any of the nuns she had in school saw the Chocolate Jesus, they would definitely hunt down Cosimo, make him take down the blasphemous chocolate art and drive them BOTH back to the convent. Then the sisters would call up Father Bruno and ask him to perform a Mass, bless the Chocolate Jesus, stick him in the rectory refrigerator and then take him out when it’s ready to sacrifice his entire chocolate body by eating him during Holy Communion. And do you know why 2Truthy said this? Because EVERY year on Valentine’s Day, 2Truthy’s Irish Catholic mother had to buy FOUR separate boxes of Fannie May chocolates for her and her brothers to give to their teachers in return for safe midyear grade reports. So 2Truthy knows that nuns love chocolate and they love Jesus and that’s what the nuns would really do.

But what I am really offended about is what Cosimo actually did with 312 pounds of ham. Read here:

“Cavallaro, who was raised in Canada and Italy, is best known for his quirky work with food as art: Past efforts include repainting a Manhattan hotel room in melted mozzarella, spraying 5 tons of pepper jack cheese on a Wyoming home and festooning a four-poster bed with 312 pounds of processed ham.”

You read that right. 312 POUNDS OF HAM, all of it sacrificed by two young pot bellied pigs with Mensa IQ’s and for what? To be thrown around all over a four-poster beds somewhere in Manhattan like designer Jonathan Adler throw pillows and shams… with no rhyme or reason.

Humph. I wonder what George Clooney has to say about Cosimo’s lack of artistic judgment when it came to this colossal, unpolitically correct choice? I hope that when George Clooney becomes a politician, that he will campaign for Pigs Rights issues and place them at the top of the list.

Pigs for Peace,

QUINCY

Happy Easter from QUINCY

FROM THE DESK OF QUINCY

Happy Easter, Everybody!

I returned late last night from Toledo, Spain just in time for the Easter feast at 2Truthy’s, where I have a place at the table (thank goodness at it and not ON it.)


After completing my twelve week Espanol immersion course, my two wonderful hosts, Armando and his partner, Dieter, provided me with fabulous meals and a room with my own private entry, ensuring I had every creature comfort of home. They were especially enthusiastic when I insisted on dressing up like a matador each morning before I headed off to class, saying “Oh Quincy, you don’t have to pull out all the stops, they’lll love you just the way you are.” Ole! Even on the third day of class when my instructor hurt my feelings when she said “Oh Quincy, put a fork in it” for wearing my matador costume, my hosts were so supportive. That night at dinner, they made so many terrible, disgusting jokes about that old windbag that I couldn’t even remember why I had my tail in a twist in the first place!


Oh, and let me tell you about my dwellings! First of all, Armando’s grandmother died last year and so he inherited her lovely, multicolored bougainvillea covered residence downtown, just a short stroll to some of their favorite tapas restaurants, sandwich joints, churches and a couple of mosques. The location was perfect.



While traveling around Spain, it was great to see how much the people there -- just like in other mildly exotic places like Turkey or Poland --- get along well without Americans, who just have this sense that the most advanced and civilized place on earth is the United States and it’s simply just not true. For instance, right before Armando’s grandmother died, she had one of those advanced toilets from Japan installed that has three different ways of aiming the water jets depending on what you want cleaned!


Anyway, not only did I learn to roll my “rrr’s” and to affect the Castilian “t” lisp, but I really enjoyed watching cable news at night with Armando and Dieter, which was a whole lot of fun because every time Hillary or Barack would be on, they would laugh and laugh. In Spain, everybody laughs their heads off about the election here and don’t understand why anybody would seriously take Hillary OR Barack for president. The Spanish say they are both “banditos” who only care about their donors and not the people. They call them “El Laurelo y La Hardy” with mucho gusto, laughing and laughing…(Guess which one is Laurel and which one is Hardy?) HAHA!


I’ve got to go now and help with the brown sugar sauce for the ham and make a few phone calls before dinner. Don’t worry, I’ll be having a specially prepared, vegetarian roulade in solidarity with my agrarian “Pigs for Peace” conservation movement. If anyone would care to donate, just write to 2Truthy and she will tell you her address where to send money.

Adios Amigos!

QUINCY

George Clooney a Free Agent: From the Desk of Quincy

Leatherheads

From the Desk of Quincy

Guess what everybody?

George Clooney broke up with his girlfriend Sara Larson. She seemed nice only her age probably was a problem for George, but in dog years (like Pig years) if you multiply her age (29) times seven, well, she’d be an old battle axe by anyone’s stretch of the imagination for someone like George who is (47) and gets a pass on dog/pig years because he’s a big movie star. Maybe now he will have more time to devote to worthy endeavors and lend his celebrity to Pigs right’s issues, especially after the loss of his companion, Max.


I like George Clooney because he likes hogs. Did you know that motorcycles are called “hogs” too? I don’t understand why motorcycles are named after one of the smartest species on the planet, unless it’s because a lot of people who like to ride around on them like to drive them around in the mud. Hahahaha, very funny, but that’s just another vicious stereotype because what most people don’t know is Pigs are really very neat (you should SEE 2Truthy’s house when the maids don’t show up…) I keep my room tidy and have a “knock twice first” before you come in sign on the door just in case I’ve slacked off for any reason.


Anyway, George rides around on a motorcycle and did you know that he even got into an accident when he lost control of riding it? (Thank goodness no one sustained life threatening injuries, or bought the farm.) That’s why I’m going to be watching Leatherheads, which looks like more fun than capturing a platoon of German soldiers! It’s George’s new movie where they get to play football in the mud. Yay! Even if it did get lousy reviews, I still want to see it because his other old girlfriend, Renee Zellweger is in it.


Go Bulldogs!

QUINCY