Thursday, April 1, 2010

Boeing Develops Anti-Gravity Belts for Fat Fu*#ers


BOEING INTERVENES WITH TOP-SECRET RESEARCHDevelops Anti-Gravity Belts for the Morbidly Obese

SEATTLE – As if the current debate surrounding global warming wasn’t enough, scientists at the Fermilab in Batavia, IL, warned yesterday that the earth is slowly losing its supply of gravity.

Professor Eugenio Gromlik, lead physicist on a team investigating gravitational phenomena at the University of Illinois at Champaign, has performed a series of experiments proving conclusively that a quantifiable loss in gravitational wave production has been underway for a decade or more.

“We have found a series of torsion-balance inequalities for Yukawa violations of the gravitational inverse-square law (ISL) of the form Vab = Ma where V = rotational velocity and M = more of the same,” said Gromlik, who also added hastily “ . . . we are not only running out of fucking gravity, but time as well!”

Boeing engineers working on what has come to be called The Gravity Project have recently designed an instrument known as an absolute gravitometer, capable of measuring and computing absolute gravity down to 1 microgal (0.001 mGal = 1 part in 1 billion).  

Causes for the sudden loss of earth’s precious gravity are less certain, but scientists do believe that overuse and over-dependence on Sir Isaac Newton’s 18th century discovery have led to its rapid depletion in this century. Selfishly gorging oneself in an orgiastic, Roman display of excess to the point of vomiting may also play a role.

“Do you have any idea how many microgals of gravity a fat man with a bag of cheeseburgers can exhaust in a single rotation of the earth?” lamented a lab assistant at Boeing.  

Boeing has conducted decades-long research on anti-gravity propulsion systems for its aircraft. But classified anti-gravity technologies have, until now, been kept from the public realm, and have certainly never before been intended for personal use to stave off the depletion of earth’s precious gravity. Now, Boeing has revealed development of its anti-gravity belt, to be worn by those who just can’t seem to walk away from a chocolate fudge sundae, let alone heft their gruesome hulks of decaying man-flesh onto a treadmill. 

 “All they have to do is strap this handy, computerized belt around their hopelessly bulging mid-sections, and we can avert certain death for the rest of well-toned humanity,” urged Professor Gromlik.

In 2002, an internal Boeing project called “Gravity Research for Advanced Space Propulsion” (GRASP) had been disclosed to the aerospace industry. A GRASP briefing document obtained by Jane’s Defense Weekly stated:

“Our research began in an effort to reduce our dependency on foreign oil.  Now, it appears our dependency on heavy cream and bacon fat threatens our very existence.  However, the use of our anti-gravity technology to produce these belts is the least we can do, for gravity’s sake.”


P.S. Boeing really IS  working on anti-gravity research. Honest. I'm not kiddin' HERE.

No comments: